Thread: Quick Jokes

A blonde and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.

The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."

The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"

The brunette says:"Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."

The blonde asks:"Why, don't you have a vase?"

Just thought I'd nip over to my grandmother's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.
She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

I went to to the doctor the other day for a check-up. He said, "I'm sorry but you're going to have to stop wanking." I said, "Why's that?" and he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do.

Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer

99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women.

Why do men like women in leather mini skirts?

They smell like a new car.

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

Me and the missus are into S&M.

She Sleeps & I Masturbate.

My teenage son proudly told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time.

"Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"

He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother crying, and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!"

Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."

Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."

The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago".

Originally Posted by can123

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

I guess you did NOT spend any time in the sun today or you would have POPPED.








Did that joke POP over your head?

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

My teenage son proudly told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time.

"Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"

He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

Son comes home from school and proudly announces to his dad that he had sex for the first time today, behind the bike sheds.
"Good on ya, Son! When are you going to do it again?"
"When my arse stops bleeding".

A Scotsman and his wife were walking in town when they passed a new restaurant.
“Did you smell that food?” said the wife. “It smells incredible.”
Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought, “What the hell. I’ll treat her!”
So he turned her round and they walked past it again.

10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and
Johnny Cash.Now the USA has no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

^That's not a joke.

^^ Not uber funny but moderately amusing.

More of a reflection of the real situation?

Also posted in white font and cannot be seen without highlighting it

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

Also posted in white font and cannot be seen without highlighting it

I have a blue back ground, white shows up perfectly.

^ That's because like lemmings you are all using the default background colour not the optional one which I find easier on the eyes.

^I'm a lemming!

Originally Posted by kingwilly

I have a blue back ground, white shows up perfectly.

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

the optional one which I find easier on the eyes.

It's so easy for you to see white text on a white background? You surely are exceptional.

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

^ 555

No can't see it when birding specifies white font. I used to bother to highlight it so I can read it but now I don't bother, just ignore it.

Your post although it appears white on your screen, it appears black on my screen

Easy to read by hitting Reply Button.