Thread: Quick Jokes

London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, esp ecially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."

Not funny, not short.

Have a red.

Originally Posted by kingwilly

Not funny, not short.

And also not new. The same thing was posted 2 years ago (page 89).

https://teakdoor.com/jokes-and-funny-...ml#post2847867 (Quick Jokes)

Originally Posted by Neverna

Originally Posted by kingwilly

Not funny, not short.

And also not new. The same thing was posted 2 years ago (page 89).

https://teakdoor.com/jokes-and-funny-...ml#post2847867 (Quick Jokes)

Cheers, I'll make sure to red that one too!

Breaking into cars in a multi-story carpark is wrong on so many levels.

I was in HomePro the other day in the timber section, some bloke came up to me in and asked if I wanted decking! Luckily I got the first punch in before it got ugly.

^ ^^ Both short and sweet.

^and fookin' posted several times before!

The Fringe top 3:

My dad wants me to get an organ donor card. He's a man after my own heart.

Why is it old people always say "There's no place like home", but when you put them in one....

I've been happily married for four years..... out of ten.

The Top 15 (apparently):

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham

"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell

"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson

"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith

"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan

"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson

"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney

"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff

"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath

"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes

"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf

"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift

"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith

"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons

"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol

A little boy asks his dad.
'What's between mum's legs?'

'Paradise.' His father replies.

The son asks.
'What's between your legs?'

'The key to paradise.'

The son replies.

'Word of advice dad, change the lock, that coont next door has a spare key!'

My son was going out, I said.

'Where are you going?'

He said.

'To meet a girl.'

I said. 'Don't forget to wear a...You know.'

He said. 'What?'

I said. 'You know.'

He said. 'Do you mean a condom?'

I said. 'No, a fooking hat you ginger coont!'

What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?



You wouldn't pay a thousand baht to have a lentil on your face.

Quick Jokes 30-08-2016 03:55 AM mingmong thats disgusting!


Ever thought that it might be your interpretation at fault here?
Perhas you have led a sheltered life?

Originally Posted by TheDukeofNewcastle

Quick Jokes 30-08-2016 03:55 AM mingmong thats disgusting! Ever thought that it might be your interpretation at fault here? Perhas you have led a sheltered life?

What he meant was. Paying that amount of money, is disgusting. He gets a golden shower for 50bht.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? -- Anyone can roast beef.

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die...”

Sigmund Freud walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sigmund, why
the long penis? ...I mean FACE!"

First Man : My elephant fucks cats.

Second Man : Impossible

Elephant approaches cat from rear and large crowd anticipates rare coitus. Elephant lifts right foot and stamps on cat.

First Man : There we are, your cat is fucked now, isn't it ?

"Mummy, mummy, why do the other kids call me a werewolf ? "Shut up, Roger, and comb your face."

Man in railway compartment on his own wishes to defecate and relieves himself by doing so on a newspaper he has spread on the floor. He picks it up and throws it out of the window just as a guy in another compartment is leaning out of a window to admire the view.

At the end of the journey the second man remonstrates with the first by saying, " You are the most filthy despicable bastard I have ever met". To which the second replies, "You are a fine one to talk with all that shit on your face ! ".

Mother and six year old son visit a baby who has been born with no ears.

Mother : "Oh ! Doesn't he have lovely eyes, I bet he can see for miles with them ".

Son : "I bloody well hope so as he will never wear glasses."

Man visits doctor and says he has severe flatulence through his penis.

Doctor : Does this worry you unduly ?

Man : I am not bothered by it but it doesn't half put the wind up the wife.