A policeman knocked on my door, showed me a photo and said "Is this your wife, sir?".
"Why yes it is", I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus, sir", he said.
"I know officer", I replied, "but she's great with the kids".
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A policeman knocked on my door, showed me a photo and said "Is this your wife, sir?".
"Why yes it is", I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus, sir", he said.
"I know officer", I replied, "but she's great with the kids".
^ Took me a few seconds. :rofl:
I've been invited to attend an autopsy. Not sure if I'll go. Remains to be seen.
A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun, A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by a doctor, " the good news is you're gonna be ok, the bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so i'm gonna have to refer you to my sister, " is she a plastic surgeon?" "no, says the doctor, " she's a flute player, she'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!"
^ thought it was going to be a variation on;
WW2 hospital and Patton was touring encouraging the wounded. He came to a bed and asked the soldier what was wrong with the sleeping patient in the next bed.
"He got shot in the ass, Sir" said the soldier.
"Don't say "ass", say "rectum", soldier".
"Wrecked him? Bloody near killed him, Sir."
I went to my local Indian last night. The waiter said "Curry OK sir?".
I said "Alright, one song then get me a menu".
How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
I look at Britain today and I think to myself "This is not the country my Grandad fought to protect".
Mind you, he was in the Luftwaffe.
Met a Irish lesbian today,she looked gaylick.
The local Medical Centre recently advertised a short, public seminar on schizophrenia.
I've half a mind to attend.
A TD member died today. His wife has been to the hospital and said his condition is satisfactory.
My wife said "Can you explain why I've just found a pair of womens knickers in your coat pocket?!".
I said "Yes, it's because you're a nosey c u n t".
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Famous Former Japanese contortionist Sola Aoi ties the knot.
A cop just knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing kids on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes
My wife just stopped, and said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”
I thought to myself, “That’s a very strange way to start a conversation......
So after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on the T.V.
Apparently, it's unacceptable in bowling.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.....fortunately I turned myself around.
I met a Japanese man who had faked his own death .
no-one bereaved him .
I found out the difference between pink and purple recently.
It's down to the grip.
I went to the Pet Shop and said "I want to buy some tropical fish".
The shopkeeper said "Do you want an Aquarium?".
I said "I don't care what star sign they are".
With thanks to Tommy Cooper
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're a managing director.'And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road'.
Quote:
Originally Posted by toslti
My favourite: "See this watch? Waterproof. Scratchproof. Shockproof. Caught fire yesterday".
Trump boasts of living on fast food like McD's.
He must be living on Statin Island.
I went to my weekly premature ejaculation support group - turns out it's tomorrow...
Got to thinking when I see them walking the same road every day that monks are men of habit some have bad habits including the dirty brown habit. There are even some abbots who have bad habits
A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus.
The barman asks, "Do you mean a martini?"
Roman; "Look, if I wanted a double I'd have asked for it."
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
I'm sure it'll come to me, but I won't wait up.
I said to my doctor, "I’ve got a problem with the hearing in one of my ears."
He said, "Are you sure?"
I said, "Yes, I'm definite."
^UMMM!!!!
An oxymoron walked into a bar. The silence was deafening.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
I saw this fat bird in the pub last night. I said "My, but you're a big lass".
She said "Tell me something I don't know".
I said "Salad tastes nice".
I had a job at a calendar factory but got fired for taking a day off.
I went to a marvellous performance by the Bermudan Philharmonic Orchestra last night.
Unfortunately the guy with the triangle disappeared halfway through.
The scariest thing you can read in Braille is "Do not touch".
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller
I looked up lighters on eBay. All they had were 9753 matches.
What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?
Ones an Australian marsupial, the others a Geordie stuck in a lift.
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."