I was going to post a time travel joke, but you guys didn't like it.
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I was going to post a time travel joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, 'here's the fat pig I've been cheating on you with'. A woman in the bed says 'it's a sheep, you dumbass'.
The man says ' I wasn't talking to you' .
Needed a new battery for the car and heard of one developed in the Middle East called the Sultan battery which was said to be twice as efficient and twice as long lasting as any other on the market and though I would give it a try.
A word of warning from my hospital bed; Dont go into a battery shop and ask for "A Sultan battery"
World cup score.
Russia 5 Saudi Arabia 0
Looks like Saudi Arabia will beheading home soon.
I tried to remarry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money.
Our local ice cream man was found dead yesterday evening! Some of the neighbours found him lying unconscious on the floor of his ice cream van, and he was covered in chopped nuts and chocolate sprinkles.
Seems he had topped himself.
In other news --
Cartoonist found dead in bed, details are sketchy.
Not long after my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer he covered himself wirh lard. He went down hill fast after that.
It has come to my attention (not from personal experience) that a ladyboy is able to service both partners in a relationship at the same time with one partner on the bottom the ladyboy comes next using his (her) dick and the second partner on top of the ladyboy engaged in the rear of the ladyboy. This I am informed is known as a Pattaya sandwich.
^ known as the club sandwich elsewhere. But you have your participants around the wrong way. In your scenario the LB is getting all the attention.
A lady lost her purse in a bustling department store. She searched everywhere she had visited, but just couldn't find it.
Finally, a little boy approached her and asked, "Mrs, is this your purse?"
Jubilantly, she grabbed the purse and cried, "Yes! Yes, it is! Thank you so much!"
Then she looked inside and was suddenly confused.
"But how strange... when I lost it, I had only two £50 notes, but now I have ten £10 notes!"
The boy replied, "That's because the last time I returned a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for my reward!"
The young Thai footballers trapped in a flooded cave have been told they will need to learn to dive.
Once Brazil are knocked out of the world cup, they are going to send Neymar to teach them.
That was quick. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by toslti
John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon.
History shows us that if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after a fucking airport.
:rofl:
Air New Zealand has caused controversy by altering its in-flight menu to include a Vegan burger.
Personally I can't see what the fuss is about, as long as the Vegans are humanely killed.
Reminds me of the Red dwarf episode with Jeff Kay's assassination.Quote:
Originally Posted by harrybarracuda
Walking down the road yesterday I saw a crash helmet fall out of a basket in the front of a passing motorbike and bounce along the road and thought; lucky his head wasnt in it he could have been seriously hurt.
Martin Baker walks into a bar.
He gets ejected from the premises.
Martin Baker walks into a bar in Slough?Quote:
Originally Posted by toslti
Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape.
Mind you she was a bit pissed off when I started to hold auditions for her part.
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses.
They shaved with a solid steel stone ground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the ass crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.
Honestly, the wife's never looked so good.
Johnny got kicked out of maths class again.
The Teacher asked him what comes after 69.
Apparently "mouthwash" was the wrong answer
Procrastination: How to do 20 minutes of work in 8 hours, and 8 hours of work in 20 minutes.
A three legged dog walks into a bar and sez...'I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw'
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust : "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
It you get an email from the Hormel company, don't open it. It's probably spam.
I got a U2 special edition SatNav for my birthday.
It's shit.
The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Some people get confused when a sentence doesn't end as they potato.
Fun Fact: The chances of you dying on the way to get your lottery tickets is greater than your chances of winning.
The wife has been missing for a week now and the police have said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
An old native american couple were being interviewed by the local news team, and the reporter asked the old bloke his name. "my name is Eagle Claw, and this is my wife, Four Ponies". The reporter was trying to impress the old woman so he turned to her and said "What a wonderful name, so evocative"
The old bloke leaned forward and said "That's her official name, but in reality its nag, nag, nag, nag...."
Paddy and Seamus have just sat down in a swanky French bistro when a very attractive Mademoiselle approaches their table......
"Bonsoir Monsieurs, what can I...err....interest you in tonight?"
"How about a quicky?" suggests Paddy
The visibly upset waitress throws a pitcher of Evian in Paddy's face, gives him a right hander and storms off through the swing doors into the kitchen.
"Paddy!" says Seamus " It's pronounced 'Quiche' you fokking eejit!"
lol...
Melania Trump tells Mike Pence, the vice-president, that she has bought her husband a parrot and that Donald has taught it 200 words. “I hope you realise,” Pence says, “that he just says the words. He doesn’t actually understand them.” “Oh I know that,” Melania replies. “And it’s the same for the parrot.”
Went into a bar and saw a fat woman dancing on a table. Said
"Beautiful strong legs"
She giggled and said
"You really think so"
I said
"Yea most tables would have collapsed by now"
Lucky the high heel shoe missed it could have done a lot of damage.
Simply Red singer Mick Hucknall was found earlier today by Manchester police having sex with a rabbit in a field. A spokesperson from the Manchester force said when they found him he was holding back the ears, shouting 'Bunnies too tight to mention'!
Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions?
I do!
If ants took antacid would they hallucinate?
What happens if you delete your recycle bin?
If you pull the pin of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in?
Quick answers only, please!