Man says to his wife "pack your bags, I've won the lottery".
She says "what should I pack? Something light? Something warm? Where are we going?"
He says "We're going nowhere, just pack your bags and fuck off".
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Man says to his wife "pack your bags, I've won the lottery".
She says "what should I pack? Something light? Something warm? Where are we going?"
He says "We're going nowhere, just pack your bags and fuck off".
Would be more traditional.Quote:
Originally Posted by Maanaam
When I was a kid my mate lived in a castle.
On his birthday his dad hired him a bouncy council estate.
pedantic.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cujo
What does a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside her have in common?
They are both thinking, "Shit, my mum's going to kill me"
The inventor of the crossword recently died.
They buried him:
Four Down
One Across
Is that cryptic??Quote:
Originally Posted by toslti
M friend stole a calendar from Walmart.....he got 12 months
While I was having a medical, I asked the doctor if I'd live to be 100. "Not with Mercury in Uranus" he replied.
"I don't believe in Astrology", I noted.
He said "Neither do I, my thermometer just broke off in your arse".
What are hurricanes named after women?
Because when they come they're wild and wet when they go they take your house and car.
Tried to get into a Bulimia Sufferers Support Group meeting last night. The place was heaving!
“Harry, I have just noticed that on our computer, the M, I, L and F keys are more faded than the others” my wife yelled...
I thought on my feet. “oh
you know me, always looking up film stuff.”
why did the sperm cross the road?
I put on the wrong sock this morning
I bumped into an old mate and said "so what are you doing these days?".
"Preparing meals for homeless people, drug addicts, alcoholics and other down and outs" he replied.
"Oh, are you working for a charity?" I asked.
"No, I'm a Chef at Wetherspoons".
Wetherspoons is a very profitable company. It supplies a product and service which many enjoy.
Don't knock one of the few British success stories.
^just post a quick joke and move along....
Yes he get's tyresome sometimes.Quote:
Originally Posted by uncle junior
So does the Goodyear blimp. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Cujo
Fuck off you dull c u n t.Quote:
Originally Posted by OhOh
I think he's an the Asperger spectrum. Seriously.
I suspect he's gone full retard.Quote:
Originally Posted by Latindancer
Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up!
Considering he's dead.....Quote:
Originally Posted by uncle junior
I got the joke, Uncle J. :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cujo
you can if you want but the joke won't work......
well it could if that was after rigor mortis set in, on second thoughts even before
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking" but I don't have that much time.
Paddy walks in a pub and says "How much is your beer?".
The barman replies "4 pounds a pint and 12 pounds for a pitcher".
Paddy says "Well I'll have a pint then, but I'm not paying 12 quid for a fucking photo!".
A new study shows that men are more likely to blame stress from work as a contributing factor to poor mental health, whereas women...jabber on about something or other.
^Cooking porridge tops the list,I hear.
What'd the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey.
Can't decide whether to stay home and wish I went out or go out and wish I stayed home.
Lord of the Manor : That was a damn fine shot, wasn't it ?
Irish Beater : No, Milord, waste of a cartridge, the fall would have killed it.
Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?
Light travels faster than sound, which is why people lappear bright—until they open their mouths.
Folks who think you know it all are really annoying to those of us who do.
Mrs told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face—once you shove them down the stairs, that is.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.