Thread: Quick Jokes

"Two cannibals are eating dinner, one says "I don't like my mother-in-law", the other one says "Then just eat the vegetables."

There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."

Bloody Foreigner.

I once got an erection during a routine prostate examination.

I tried to laugh it off but it was so obvious.

Anyway.. I'm no longer a GP.

A dung beetle walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "is this stool taken"?

^, and ^^....

One man calls emergency: Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom! After five minutes, the same man calls back: It is OK, I found another one.

A little boy asked his mother: Mummy, why are you white and I am black? Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.

Then there was the pedophile swan....swimming around with its head underwater looking for cygnet rings.

Originally Posted by nidhogg

There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."

Bloody Foreigner.

I'm waiting!!

^ for what?

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

^ for what?

Perhaps if it had been a gay guy singing "Mama, I just killed a man...", and you grumbled, "Bloody queen", he may have got it?

I just put 400 pounds on a horse.

Poor fucker, but the wife insisted on riding it!

Two men walk into a bar ... you’d think one of them would have seen it!

Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’

Originally Posted by nidhogg

I just put 400 pounds on a horse.

Poor fucker, but the wife insisted on riding it!

The missus found a bit of paper with a girl's name and a number on it. I told her it was a horse I'd put a bet on.

The next day, she gave me an almighty fucking slap. I said "What's that for?".

She said "Your horse just phoned you".

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

A farmer came up to me needing some help.

"I have 68 sheep, could you help round them up for me?".

" Yeah. 70"

A woman weightlifter goes to her doctors

“Doc, I’ve been taking steroids and now I have grown a willy”

“Anabolic?” says the doctor. “No doc, just a willy”

^ FFS @ me...took a while.

A blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !

Why do girls have legs?

Have you seen the mess snails make?

Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard?
Shut up, and give me more bullets.

A couple is in bed making love.
He asks:
- Listen, what if I put it in your ear?
- Are you crazy? I could become deaf.
- If until today you didn’t become dumb I don’t think you will become deaf.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house.
So I lifted a finger.

Apparently, it was the wrong one.