^ harsh but fair
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^ harsh but fair
I'm in trouble with the wife as per.
We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.
Apparently "Identify it" wasnt the right answer.
Rolf Harris is to release a 'Aus-Aid' single to raise funds for the Australian flood victims.
'Why's Me Kangaroo Drowned, Sport' is expected to reach no.1.
Little Johnny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"
Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.
^Didn't we just have that one?
Green to Dave!
https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2011/01/1738.jpg
Is this a repeat??:chitown:
Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
The other day I needed to go to A & E. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
.
When I went into the A & E, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif
It also works at DSS. It saved me 5 hours.
At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running. Don't try it at McDonald's though..... The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...
Please Remember this only works in U.K.
3 bodys turn up at mortuary all with smiles on their faces. Cop asks coroner, 'Why R they all smiling?' Coroner says '1st guy died of heart attack shaggin his lover, hence his smile. 2nd guy won lottery, spent it on whisky & died of alcohol poisoning, hence his smile. 3rd guy - Paddy from Dublin, struck by lightening!' Cop asks 'Why the fuck was he smiling?' Coroner replies, 'Thought he was havin his photo taken!'
Very good.:)
Do like this one :rofl:Quote:
Originally Posted by crippen
Green on its way :UK:
I recently opened up a Health Clinic in Africa. However, the ungrateful fuckers closed it within an hour. I must admit, naming it "Spades With Aids" did upset a few of the locals!
AIDS - had it many times - clears up after a good nights sleep - Alcohol Induced Dizzy Spells !
--------
Little boy wandering around a shopping mall
Security man asks if he is lost
Little boy said yes - I am looking for my daddy
Security man said OK I will help you find him - what's does your daddy like ?
BIG TITS AND WHISKEY
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
A man goes to confession and says: "Forgive me father for
I have sinned. Last night I made love
to twins, half my age,
in positions that I think are illegal."
The priest thinks for a few minutes and says: "Buy seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and then drink it"
"Will this cleanse me of my sin..?" asks the man.
"No" says the priest. "But it'll wipe that fuckin' smile off your face..!"
Isn't AIDS.
ANALLY
INJECTED
DEATH
SENTENCE
Got into America up the Hudson.
Rock Hudson, appaarently.
There are only three types of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.
What's E.T short for?
because he only has little legs
Two parrots on a perch. One says: "Can you smell fish?"
whats a woman and a condom have in common
if their not on your dick thier in your wallet.
Sigh. Go back and edit it to make sense please. (Clue: cut out the word "does").Quote:
Originally Posted by Happyman
Why is marriage like playing cards ?
Because at the start you have love and diamonds,
by the end you wish you had a club and spade.
Morning Sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
A Welshman gets washed up on a dersert island with just a sheep an a collie dog for company. After a few days the Welshman starts to feel a little frisky an starts eyeing up the sheep. The collie dogs instincts kick in an won't let him anywhere near the sheep. The following morning, to his delight, a beautiful young girl is washed ashore; "you've saved my life" says the Welshman, "can you take the dog for a walk?"
My mrs brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as ur cock when ur thinking about me naked!"
I said "Go on then, pour me a glass....."
Got stopped in the street today by a woman with a clipboard asking "what grooming products I use?"
You should have seen her face when I said " Facebook, Haribo sweets and puppies"
I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them!
Little Johnny was running up and down the aisle of the plane
making an awful racket and disturbing all the passengers and
cabin crew. Everything was tried to pacify the boy but nothing
worked, including pleading to his indifferent parents.
The captain was finally summoned whereupon he took little
Johnny to the back toilet.
Five minutes later he emerged leaving Johnny in the toilet.
He returned to the cockpit where quiet remained in the cabin
for the rest of the flight. Only when the seat belt sign was
switched on for landing was Johnny told to come out of the
toilet.
The purser was amazed, and after landing she asked the captain
what did he do to shut little Johnny up.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I taught him how to play with himself."
:mid:
I've booked a table for valentines. The Mrs will be pissed off, she's shit at snooker.
I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a loaf of bread, the birds were all over me.
A fellow was stranded on a dessert island for 3 months when out of the blue a beautifull blond girl in a wet suit appears on the beach one morning.
He approaches her and she says, would you like a smoke.
Yes he replies.
She unzipes her wet suit and takes out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter.
She then says, would you like a drink?
Of course he says.
She then unzips her wet suit further right down to her mound of venus and produces a bottle of Johnny Black.
He drinks half of it.
She then says, you must be desparate, would you like to play a round.
He says "What? You got a set of fucking clubs in there as well?"
a very shy man was persuaded by his friends to go a dance with them, telling him talking to women was no problem, just give them a compliment as your dancing and they will be putty in your hands. At the dance he took courage and picked the ugliest woman in the hall to dance.At the break he decided to try what his friends had recommended. I'm very surprised at you, He says,Why she asks, You dont sweat much for a fat woman
My Dad once caught a fish so big, it took two men just to carry the photo of it....
My girlfriend came home with one of those three dimensional tattoos of a sea shell on her inner thigh.. so realistic..amazing.. when you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean
I went out with a dyslexic girl last night. It was great, except she ended up cooking my socks...
do you remember the jetsons cartoon show from the 70s.
question who was the black character in the show ???
There wasnt any black character so the future is looking good :bananaman::bananaman:
Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time.
The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day"
the boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'
Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?
The wife
Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a
slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f****ing mates with you'
I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me,
I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.
Teacher: 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'
Little Tommy: 'My grandfather got burnt'
Teacher: 'Badly?'
Little Tommy: 'Yes, they don't f*ck about at the crematorium.'
A friend of mine says he ismaking love to twins, I said ' How can you
tell the difference?' he said ' Her brother has got a moustache
Hubby has ' I love you' tatooed on his penis, and goes home to show his
wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'
had the best laugh at spotlight today
a little muslim kid went up to a
pair of black curtins and shouted
mum mum
after both suffering depression for a while
me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday
but strangely enough once she killed herself
i started to feel a lot better so i thought fuck it soldier on.
a little girl goes to the barbers with her dad & stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a hair cut. Barber smiles at her &says youre gonna get hair on your muffin, I Know she says, I'm gonna get tits too you dirty old [at][at][at][at]
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