Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by Eliminator

Because I knew he didn't find all those quotes on his own. I'm pretty sure it came from TV where it was originally posted or at least I think I saw it there first.


I don't care either way, why do you?

I posted it you fucking numpty. I think it came from the Metro or the Mirror.

And it would be fairly fucking obvious that I got it elsewhere, but since this isn't the news thread, links are not required.

Stop being so fucking stupid.

A woman is in labour, shouting and screaming as usual. She says to the doctors " ... get this out of me, give me drugs!"

She turns to her boyfriend and says "This is all your fault you bastard".

He replies "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said 'fuck off it'll be too painful'...."

Here's a HUNDRED old Fringe jokes and I'm not going to tell you where I copied it from, just to wind up Eliminator.



1. "Watson! I've overdosed on Immodium!" "No s***, Sherlock.” - Andrew O’Neill

2. Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago and since then he’s never looked back. – Alfie Moore

3. I worked out that on average I sleep with a little over three people every week. You could say I'm Pi-sexual. - James Bennison, Professor Bennison's Life Of Pi, Hotel Ibis

4. When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff and then we roll out our greatest hits. – Frank Skinner

5. I was brought up a very strict muslim... no, don't be scared, there aren't enough of you to make it worthwhile. – Bisha K. Ali

6. Every vagina is a unique snowflake... made of gammon. – Bridget Christie

7. I used to love sitting in shopping trolleys. Mum would shout at me: 'Christopher, get out... of the canal'. – Chris Turner



8. One thing you'll never hear a Hindu say... "Ah well, you only live once." – Hardeep Singh Kohli

9. A man robs a bank wearing a balaclava

'Did you see my face?' he says to the teller.

'Just a little bit.'

Bang. He shoots her.

'Did you see my face' he says to another teller.

'Only briefly' he says.

Bang. He shoots him.

He turns to a Jewish man who is standing beside him.

'Did you see my face?' he says

'No. I didn't,' says the Jewish man 'But my wife, she saw your face.' - Ivor Dembino

10. I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy. – Rebecca Humphries

11. My mom called my bullies my friends, which is like the police calling the rapist your f*** buddy. – John Hastings

12. My girlfriend got really angry because I used one of her posh wine glasses to trap a spider. My argument was ... he's a guest! – Paul F Taylor

13. Recently I was accused of being homophobic. I'm definitely not. Most of the men I've slept with have been gay. – Andrew Doyle

14. Sadness is just happiness that has passed. – Shirley & Shirley

15. I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people who's lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls. – Jonny Lennard

16. Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria. – Alex Horne

17. How can the Catholic Church be against gay marriage when there are colours in the Sistine Chapel that straight people can't even see? – Kevin Day

18. If I went on Desert Island Discs I’d choose the Desert Island Discs theme tune eight times. Just so listeners would think: ‘What’s wrong with my radio?’ – John Kearns

19. I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved. – Sara Pascoe

20. The only legitimate reason for smoking an electronic cigarette is if you are a robot that has just had sex with another robot. – Lloyd Langford

21. The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live... – Jonny Lennard

22. I met Osama Bin Laden once. I said 'did you know, your name is an anagram of A Lesbian Nomad’ - Anna Morris

23. I’ve now moved into my mum and dad's shed, some people call a spade a spade, I call it that thing I hang my hoodie on. - Chris Martin

24. I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently. I asked him how it was going to work, he replied, 'I'm going to play it by ear'." – Lloyd Griffith

25. My friend Kim is on every single dating website. She refers to them all as the "husband directory" but behind her back we call it the Screwfix catalogue. – Stuart Goldsmith

26. I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why. – Chris Turner

27. So your name is Ham-ISH: You don't seem very sure." Marcus Brigstocke, talking to the accused at This is Your Trial.

28. I’ve been married for 10 years. I haven’t made a decision for seven. – Jason Cook

29. Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it's probably sh*t. – Stephen K Amos

30. Hearing voices in your head is ok. It's when you hear them in your feet you should worry. – Eric Lampert

31. I read that during the war the English referred to Adolf Hilter as badger man, although it might have said bad German. – Mark Simmons

32. Carpe Phallum – Tiff Stevenson

33. Let's have a round of applause for those who are easily led... – Eddie Peppitone

34. My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.” That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive. – Joe Bor

35. A waiter approaches a table of Jewish diners as they finish their meal and says: 'Was anything right?' - Ivor Dembino

36. I got up this morning and I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I don't know what he was doing in my pyjamas but I shot him anyway – Michael Downey

37. When I was little my grandfather said I couldn't eat bacon because I'm Jewish. I said "then I don't want to be Jewish." And he replied, "That's the most Jewish thing you could say." – Alex Edelman

38. I live every day like it's my last. Devastated. – Alfie Brown

39. I want a fun funeral - so the invite is going to say 'Hawaiian themed'. But, I'm only going to send that invite to one guest. - Ian Smith

40. When I was 12 I found a dominatrix porn mag on a train, I took it home and put it under my bed. My parents found it, but they never spanked me again. – Maff Brown

41. My dad said: ‘Always leave them wanting more.’ Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. – Mark Watson

42. If you've half a mind to vote UKIP, don't worry, it's all you need. – Andy de la Tour

43. I used to be obsessed with Posh Spice. It cost me a fortune in saffron. – Chris Turner

44. If you arrive fashionably late in crocs you're just late – Joel Dommett

45. I’m all for an independent Scotland but I don't think you can be properly independent and have pandas in the zoo. It's cheating. An independent Scotland should just have Scottish animals in the zoo. Like midges. A grouse. And that mad bloke that screams at tourists on Waverly Bridge. - Lloyd Langford

46. Now kids are not stupid, they simply cannot tell the difference between vertical and horizontal which is which is why it’s okay to push them over. – John Hastings

47. I don't like light bulbs. Because they look like the ghosts of dead pears. – Paul F Taylor

48. Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal. – Paul F Taylor

49. I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me. – Ria Lina

50. They tell us coconut oil is good for our hair. It doesn't seem to have done that well for the coconut hair. - Lloyd Langford

51. This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it. – Felicity Ward

52. Paintballing: I find it too emulsional. – Paul Duncan McGarrity

53. My grandmother covered my grandfather's back in lard. After that he went downhill quickly. – Michael Downey

54. I was very proud of my dad when I was at primary school and told everyone I went to school with that my dad was a soldier, a fireman and a policeman. Turns out, he was just a stripper. – Maff Brown

55. My friend asked me, 'If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be? I said Cold War Russia. – Chris Turner

56. I used to live next to a farm and every time I passed the cows in the field I used to inexplicably shout abuse at them. Turns out I’m dairy intolerant. – Alfie Moore

57. I lost my virginity so late, that when it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded. – Holly Walsh

58. My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious. – Fin Taylor

59. You ever hate your job with the passion that your boss claims you lack? – Stuart Black

60. Geologists love rocks, but I liked magma before it was cool. - Winter Foenander

61. I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But I’ve got the ins and outs. – Iain Stirling

62. Recently we got a new child in the family – my new stepmom. – Camilla Cleese

63. Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently, she stood him up!- Jim Sealey

64. I’ve got very sensitive teeth. They’ll probably be upset I’ve told you. – Gordon Southern

65. If I’m ever feeling down I just type: ‘Yo are the best’ into Google. Then it responds: ‘I think you mean: “You are the best”’ and I feel much better. – Jack Barry

66. This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’ – Tim Vine

67. Growing up I took after my mum... and by that i mean i had large breasts and was sexually attracted to my dad - Steve Mclean, Tight Six Showcase

68. People say I’ve got no willpower. But I’ve quit smoking loads of times. – Kai Humphries

69. Why don't Africans go on cruises? That's exactly how they got us the last time.- Athena Kugblenu

70. The wedding invite said: ‘Simon Feilder +1’. So I turned up an hour late. – Simon Feilder

71. I thought Benefits Street was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl. – Imran Yusuf

72. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell. How long’s the aisle going to be?’– Paul McCaffrey


73. The other day, I went to KFC. I didn’t know Kentucky had a football club. – Nick Helm

74. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. – Bridget Christie

75. Pop up your hand if you like participating in market research. – Ben Target

76. I keep writing letters to myself. Dear me. – Mark Simmons

77. Whats the difference between inlaws and outlaws... Outlaws are wanted.- Joe Bains

78. Who remembers when X Factor was just Roman suncream? – Chris Turner

79. A lot of my friends put up their baby scans on Facebook – if they get more than 30 likes, they'll keep it.- Christian Elderfield

80. Even the word misogyny is misogynistic. It should be ms-ogyny. – Bec Hill

81. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: my dishwasher stopped working! Yuh, his visa expired.- Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop, Now That's What I Call Stand-Up

82. I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why. – Chris Turner

83. My wife said: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’ I said: ‘That’s a myth.’ She said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’ – Tom Binns

84. I think the most tragic thing about Jesus' life is that he probably never got to go swimming.- Alan Power

85. I’d like to reassure you - I'm too tall, not too near. - James Shakeshaft

86. It's often said that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.Hmmm, that’s the wrong way ‘round, surely?As Mars is a chocolate company and Venus is a lap-dancing club in East London.- Gary Shaw, Now That's What I Call Stand-Up

87. My brother and friends spend all of their time floating out at sea. Well, boys will be buoys. – Bec Hill

88. Fun fact: HIV is Roman for high five. Pass it on. Or rather, don’t. – Rhys James

89. I’ll tell you what separates the men from the boys. Operation Yewtree. – Maff Brown

90. I am a professional psychic medium... and at the moment I am sensing that people have died in this room. - Mary Feilding, Now That's What I Call Stand-Up

91. My father was a magician. Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger. – Alex Edelman

92. I believe in gay marriage so that gay people can be as miserable as straight people. – Tom Allen

93. During the World Cup I wanted a ticket for Germany versus Iran. The ultimate dilemma for the Jewish soccer fan - Ivor Dembina

94. As a gay man I hate the Rainbow flag, all the colours clash. I have nothing that goes with it! - Harry U. Eldrich

95. The Pursuit of 'Stars' by comedians at the Edinburgh Fringe is very reminiscent of the McDonalds employment ladder, but without the hairnets. - Kai the High Priest

96. Lord Grantham: Things aren't going very well up here Carson. How's it all going downstairs? Carson: it's all cleared up now my lord. Dr Clarkson gave me some cream. – Luke Kempner

97. When I look at myself naked, the idea of white supremacy seems pretty inconceivable. – Pete Johansson

98. Have you heard the saying, "she's been around the block." Well my ex was like a Sat-Nav. – Peter McCole

99. You are hereby charged with wearing an unnecessarily tropical shirt in a intemperate climate how do you plead? – Thom Tuck, This is Your trial.

100. I used to prank call the RSPCA.

'My cat's trapped in a box.'

'Is he alive?’

'I don't know, I haven’t opened the box...'

'Name?’

‘Schroedinger.'

'Is this some kind of joke? Because it's not funny.'

‘In some universes it is...' – Joe Ward Munrow

Not sure where I should post this so dropping it here:

The autopsy on Bruce Forsyth has just been completed. The official report states that he died of a seizure. Nice to seizure, to seizure nice.

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle,

bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle,
the bottle would break.

So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

3 farmers from <pick your region> were standing around discussing the best way to get pleasure from a sheep.

The 1st one says, "I like to take one up to the cliff and face it away, taking it from behind. It gets scared from the drop and pushes back - we get that back and forth going..."

The other two grunt and agree that this is indeed a fine way to get it on with sheep.

The 2nd guy pipes up and says, "I like to slide their back hooves down into my boots. Then it feels stuck, so it pulls and I push and we get some friction going on that way."

Again, the two others agree with this perverted method.

The 3rd guy then blurts out, "I like to flip em' over on their backs, hooves in the air and take em' missionary style."

The other two recoil in disgust and one of them shouts, "Why in the hell would you wanna' do that!?"

"Because," explains the 3rd guy, "that way you can kiss em."

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

A lone sniper was about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.

He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"

A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.

As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"

'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout

"Donald, duck!"

^ Dreams are free.

Doing your own sex change is usually not recommended. But my mate pulled it off.

What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba na na naaaaa

Maanaam, it's hard to read what you post in that color unless someone scrolls over to try and copy it.

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart ass when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

I bought some sneakers off a drug dealer this morning; I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by a puddle of spilt milk.

It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said "Get a fucking grip, you stupid bitch".

I once found a lamp on a beach, polished it, and a genii popped out. He said he could grant me either a long memory or a long penis. I can't remember which one I asked for.

My neighbour has just confronted me about articles of clothing going missing from her line. I almost shat her pants.

So I said to my mate "whereabouts in America is your girlfriend from?"
"Alaska" he said.
He obviously doesn't want me to know, I've asked him several times.

If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon? Perhaps Mrs May and her Tory cronies could give us a straight answer to that. - H Stanton, Bournemouth

Just spent 5 minutes typing a joke I'd heard.
I suck at delivery, and it didn't read well, so I deleted it.
The story of me typing and deleting is actually funnier than the joke.
And yes, that's not very funny either.

They call her the optometrist, give her 2 glasses and she makes a spectacle of herself.

When your budgie sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you'rejust sitting there staring at the carpet?