Thread: Quick Jokes

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there: a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times !!!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go ??".

Edna: "No, no, no... course not... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".

I just got a phone call from a representative from Google.

"We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation."

"You can fuck right off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of bastards like Google. You're getting no support from me!"

There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history."

"Tell me where the petition is. I'm logging in as we speak."

Not really a joke...

There was a father who left 17 camels as an asset for his three sons.When the father passed away, his sons opened up the Will.

The Will of the father stated that the eldest son should get ½ of total camels while the middle son should be given 1/3 (one-third) and the youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth)
of the total camels.

As it was not possible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other. So, the three sons decided to go to a wise man.

The wise man read the Will patiently. The wise man, after giving due thought, brought one camel of his own and added the same to 17. That increased the total to 18 camels.

Now, he started reading the deceased father’s Will.

Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 camels

1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 camels

1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 camels.

Now add this up: 9 plus 6 plus 2 is 17 and this leaves one camel, which the wise man took back!

Moral: The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the 18th camel i.e. the common ground. Once a person is able to find the 18th camel the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times. However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution. If we think that there is no solution, we won’t be able to reach any

Imaginary friends..

Great company in the park.

Absolutely shite on a see-saw.

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?” Husband replies, “Our wedding video.”

Technology moves too quickly for me these days.

I only tried to wipe the screen on my new phone because it was dusty, and now I've got a year's subscription to Netflix.

whats the most common pickup line used in a gay bar??

excuse me,would you mind if I pushed your stool in??

TRUCKIE
A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops off at a brothel outside Kalgoorlie ..

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished.

'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.


The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick!

My mate's worked all his life at Blackpool pleasure beach.
They sacked him last week for being late.

He's taking them to court and suing for funfair dismissal!

Anything I can do, my wife can do it bitter.

Originally Posted by nidhogg

Anything I can do, my wife can do it bitter.

Sounds like you've met my xwife then?

Wait what!? MILF doesn't stand for 'Mum I'll Love Forever'? I really hope mum hasn't opened her card yet ffs !!! ...

My Missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats.

Fuck knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.

A lawyer, an Illegal Alien, a Pathological Liar, a Muslim, a Communist, and a Black Guy walk into a BAR.

Bartender says;"What'll it be, Mr. President?"

Fathers then & now

Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.


_____
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.


_____
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.


____
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.


____
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.


_____
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.


____
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.


____
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
____
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

____
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."


____
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."


____
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

___
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.


____
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.


____
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."


____
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.


____
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.


____
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.


____
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

____
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"


____
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

^um....... Quick and Joke. This is neither.

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the
first girl, 'Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
She giggles and shyly replies,'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'
St. Peter says,'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
The girl is a little reluctant but replies,'Well, once I fondled and stroked one. '
St. Peter says,'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl
is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says,
'Agatha! What seems to be the rush?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her arse in it.'

I never know whether to be angry or impressed when I can't get the lid off a tube of superglue.

Originally Posted by nidhogg

I never know whether to be angry or impressed when I can't get the lid off a tube of superglue.

Paying attention folks.
'Quick' joke. ^

^Fast as fck...like Quick Draw McGraw...

Michael Douglas recently stated that his throat cancer was caused by the human papilloma virus, which he acquired by giving oral sex to women.

Is this a sound medical diagnosis, or is he simply the latest Democrat to blame everything on Bush?