Thread: Quick Jokes

A boy goes on holiday to Magaluf and texts his mate saying "Weather out here is just like your mother 36 and hot"

his mate replies

"Weather back here is just like your sister 15 and wet"

Wong Chow calls into work and says, "I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.."

The boss says, "You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that"

Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great... I be at work soon.... You got nice house"

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead.

I love walking on the beach hand in hand with my girlfriend....

Until the acid starts to wear off, then I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin round a pub car park at 5 in the morning.

I left some Quorn in the supermarket the other day. I went back and asked, "Have you seen my vegetarian mince?"

The shop assistant replied, "No, but walk up and down and I'll give you my honest opinion".

Its pretty quick

^Brilliant!

Paddy buys a chainsaw which guarantees to cut down 40 trees in an hour. Paddy sets to work but only cuts 10 in the hour. So he takes it back to the shop.
He says to the shop owner "Dis doesn't cut 40 trees an hour, I've only managed 10!"
With that the shop owner starts up the chainsaw.




















Paddy looks at him and says "Bloody hell what's that noise?"

Guy at supermarket checkout with a 5 kilo bag of dog food, lady behind him says "I see you have a dog!" guy says ,"No maam I am taking the Pal Meatybites diet on again ,it worked well last time, you just carry a pocket full of these around and if you are hungry eat one, worked well last time ,till I ended up in intensive care."
"Did they make you that sick?" "No lady I was sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and got hit by a truck, of course I've got a fuking dog."

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers .........


so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy






Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the northern tip of Scotland. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen.
She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why ??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my
teeth than get the fucking mop out again !!"






Newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse !!"


Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on
his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"Quite lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear !"

Bit longer:

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed
to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the
top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! play a jazz chord!"



Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale
and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10
minutes.When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The chap
jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a
jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is,
dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band
around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place
apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of

his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man
jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesnt seem to
appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage



" OK smart arse, you get up here and do it".



The little bloke climbs onto the stage,takes hold of the mike and

starts to sing........ ....




"A jazz chord to say , I luv you..."

5 minute -Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had
an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the
office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting,
doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't
got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed
with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree..

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there..

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lays there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered
the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

Congratulations! !!
THIS ENDS YOUR 5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "gorilla removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. he's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then i'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let it go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the damn dog!"

Originally Posted by nidhogg

The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse !!"

Laughed out loud, Hogg...Good one...

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “£90,000.” ;

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re
asking £980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They’ll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you
really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know who owns this phone .....

Elton John went to the Tattooist and said "I want a Rolls Royce Tattooed on my cock".

The Tattooist said,"You'd be better off with a Land Rover mate,it won't get stuck in the shit!"

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did you now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!'... Mary said.

The next day,.. Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come quick.

An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl are riding together in a train, with the beautiful girl in the middle.The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Englishman is thinking "Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The girl is thinking, "That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped."

The Irishman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!

Two married ladies go on holiday to the Caribbean and meet a muscular black guy.After a week of fantastic 3some sex they ask his name.He says my name's Snow.The ladies start laughing,....he asks what's so funny?Their reply..."Our husbands will never believe we had 10 inches of fuckin Snow in the Caribbean!"

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.