Thread: Quick Jokes

Ne'er mind, I messed up.

OK...

NEW! 'A**ICONS'


(_!_) regular a**


(__!__) fat a**


(!) tight a**


(_*_) a**hole


{_!_} swishy a**


(_o_) a** that's been around

(_x_) kiss my a**


(_X_) leave my a** alone


(_zzz_) a tired a**


(_E=mc2_) smart a**


(_$_) Money coming out of his a**


(_?_) Dumb A** (Ant)

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

(_ow_)


...pain in the butt

A bloke noticed a woman giving him the eye in the supermarket. "Do I know you?" he asked. She replied, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?" His mind flooded back to the only time he'd ever been unfaithful and said, "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my stag do while snorting a line off your tits and your mate whipped me and rammed that massive cucumber up my arse?" She stared at him and said, "No. I'm your daughter's teacher!"

I've just picked up my copy of the 'Chelsea FC Official Calendar 2013', it's got a different manager for every month.



I just bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked "Will you be putting it up yourself?" I replied "NO! You sick bastard, It's going in the living room!"

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche

Paddy took a pair of stuffed dogs to be appraised at "Antique Roadshow".
The presenter got all excited and said these were done by Andrews Brothers Taxidermists in London at the turn of the century, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?
"Sticks?" said Paddy

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said, 'Come on, it's a tourny for handicapped and blind kids.'

Then I thought...
Fuck - I could win this!

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon,Wiltshire (U.K.)

These are genuine answers from 16 year olds:

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and theabdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains theheart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome


Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

^I need to clean my screen now, thanks.

I've just been diagnosed with colour blindness. It come completely out of the green.

Originally Posted by Moonraker

I've just been diagnosed with colour blindness. It come completely out of the green.

It's so obvious it should be an oldie but i never heard it before.
Funny.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
.................................................. ....................

A man owned a small farm in the south west of WA.
The Department of Consumer & Employment Protection heard that he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent down to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $450 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.
.................................................. ........

Went out last night dressed to kill . . . . . . . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.



Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"


Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though; she sent her clothes yesterday!!"




Give it here"
"No, it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"It’s my turn!"
"You had it last"
"Fuck off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"You never do it right!"
"But it's my go!!!"
. . . . . . .Siamese twins having a wank



Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious!!"



Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.


Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!!!"

Walt Disneys new film called Jet Black the non-racist version of Snow White
has been put on hold.

All 7 dwarfs Smelly, Benefit, Lazy, Giro, Wog, Lips and Nig Nog have refused to sing Hi Ho as they dont agree with going to work.

Just been stopped in the street today by a Lady conducting a survey... She asked me what I knew about dwarfs... I said ''Very Little''

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.

I told her "Only you. All the others kept me awake shaggin all night !"

I've finally found something the wife's arse doesn't look big in.................
The distance!

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

.................................................. .......................

The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012.

I'm not falling for that again.

I've only just finished the fucking baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.


.................................................. ................


It's been confirmed that the coin that struck Rio Ferdinand was actually a Euro, as Man City fans no longer have any need for them.

Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse !!"

^ reminded by davyboys joke above:

My wife and I were discussing our sexual histories. She was recalling some of her old boyfriends. After a while she turned to me.

She said, "OK, your turn. How many women have you slept with?"
I thought for a moment. "One, two, three, four, five, you, seven, eight, nine..."

My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she

screamed...."I wish you a slow and painful death you b***ard!"

"Oh" I replied, "so you want me to f*****g stay now!"