Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

Michael Douglas recently stated that his throat cancer was caused by the human papilloma virus, which he acquired by giving oral sex to women.

Is this a sound medical diagnosis, or is he simply the latest Democrat to blame everything on a kunt?

Fixed that for you.

It's a good job Stephen Hawking is rich. Imagine trying to get one of those wheelchairs on the NHS ?

He'd end up with a shopping trolley and an etch-a-sketch.

A woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself
anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Yes, I WOULD mind! Now go away!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

I saw a sign outside the Greengrocers saying, 'Cucumbers, (loose) 75p'.
Cool... I think I'll get one for the missus since they've got her size.

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

Friend of mine has been wandering about the place with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants. After a few days, I said to him, mate, you do realize you've got a steering wheel shoved down the front of your pants, right?











He says "yeah I know, it's drivin' me fcuking nuts".

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

I won the lottery last week, so I had an amazing night of champagne, drugs and high-class hookers.

It was only a tenner, but this fucker knows how to celebrate.

A shirtlifter goes into a greengrocer's and asks for a cucumber.
The grocer starts to slice it up.
Shirtlifter says.
" What do you think it is, a fookin' money box?"

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.


"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.


"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.



The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants



"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."


She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"


Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.


"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"


"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."


The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.


"What's up love?" he asks.


"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.


"I'll kill him.. Where is he?" storms the husband.


"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.


"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.


"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!


The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the TV back on.


"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.



"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."??????????

In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park.

In Scotland, they just throw the fucking tree.

"G'day mate, Aussie Hhehlpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

Originally Posted by charleyboy

"G'day mate, Aussie Hhehlpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

CIA have surrounded North Wales in their hunt for Snowden.

no.... it's summer.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA all claim that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Words that end in "TOR"

A teacher asks the class to name
things that end with 'tor' that eat things.


The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor
put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip
a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The
next time I see you, you should have lost at least
5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor
by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you
follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, be
jaezus, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat
terd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.


'No, from the bloody skipping!'

The Italian Lover, a virile
middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."


Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time
she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally
ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a
short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said,
"No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman
unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his
strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking,
clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back,
gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly
and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able
to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear....."No, I
Norwegian."

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality...

My girlfriend bought me a Kama Sutra book, which put me in a very awkward position

Marriage counselling.

Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she's being a bitch.