Thread: Quick Jokes

I've been dating this girl but she can only speak a few words in English.

On the plus side, Geordie girls are complete sluts.

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week the forms will only be printed in English

Originally Posted by rebbu

I've been dating this girl but she can only speak a few words in English.

On the plus side, Irish girls are complete sluts.

Fixed that for you.

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by rebbu

I've been dating this girl but she can only speak a few words in English.

On the plus side, Irish girls are complete sluts.

Fixed that for you.

Well done you personality thief.

Just bought a Liverpool F.C. advent calendar. Fucking typical, all the windows are boarded up and some cunts nicked all the fucking chocolate.

Define confusion
Fathers day in England.

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by rebbu

Funny how you English boys get pissed off with four or five jokes but Paddy is supposed to take fifty odd pages of it.

Don't actually remeber seeing any Irish jokes on here.
Nigger jokes, jew jokes sure, but mick jokes?
We need more mick jokes.

Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"

The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you taking the piss? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the feck is a potato clock?"

And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"



Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."


How can you tell if a kid is half black and half Irish?
He's running down the street with your bike in his arms!


Why did god give the Irish potatoes, and the Arabs oil?
He gave the Irish first choice!

Did you type that yourself? Or did you outsource it to a Paki?

I started a brilliant new job last week. I go into pubs and clubs around Europe giving out free glasses of wine to girls and ask them how much they'd pay for a glass. Girls from France will pay nearly 4 pounds, Irish girls will pay just over 3, the ones from the Netherlands I think 2.50 is about right and English birds like to take it up the arse.

My uncle was killed in Northern Ireland during the troubles. A tree fell on the truck he was driving.

I reckon the IRA must have planted it!

Some English cunts wrote mong all over my windows last night.

It took me ages to lick it off.

If you can't laugh at yourself..... goes with out saying.

Originally Posted by rebbu

Funny how you English boys get pissed off with four or five jokes but Paddy is supposed to take fifty odd pages of it.

ALWAYS VERY TRUE

FEB 9TH 2011 DAILY MAIL

Here's a laugh – a man in Kent has been awarded thousands of pounds in compensation after being “offended” by some stupid Irish joke.


Cllr Ken Bamber, who sits on Medway Council in Kent, was chatting with Brian Kelly, a Unison rep, when he made the joke.

He told Mr Kelly: “A man walked into a Dublin bar and saw a friend sitting with an empty glass. 'Paddy can I buy you another', he asked, to which Paddy replied – 'now what would I be wanting with another empty glass""

Mr Kelly, who was born in Ireland, said Cllr Barber had used the word “Paddy” offensively and was being “racist with intent”.

He lodged an official complaint and took the matter to an employment tribunal, which referred the case to the conciliation service Acas.

As my colleague Douglas Murray has said: "In a sane society this joke would lead to laughter or forgetfulness. But Kelly is apparently 'proud of [his] Irish heritage' and deems the joke to be 'racist'."

The most telling thing about this case is that the man telling the joke was in his late 70s, and that’s because no one tells Irish jokes anymore because they are outdated and stale.

And that’s nothing to do with the existence of the professionally offended brigade, among them the various “Irish” community groups founded in the 1980s, all of them ready to claim “racism” with hair-trigger quickness. Like all such self-appointed groups, they screamed loudest when such comedy got closest to the truth – in the case of Irish immigrants their fondness for alcohol.

Jokes about thick Paddy and drunken Micks died out because in the early 1990s, because Ireland became very rich. By the end of that decade the Republic, once a economic backwater, had higher average earnings than the UK, for the first time in history. Irish immigrants to England, once characterized as country thickos who were good only for building roads and fighting, were by the turn of the century,as a nation, highly educated and earning more than the natives (and certainly more than people in the Medway, the part of England that gave us the word "chav"). People don’t stop telling jokes because they’re “offensive” – probably the opposite – but because they stop reflecting a certain truth. Anyone who makes Irish jokes now just looks old or stale, which in comedy terms is worse than being racist and the younger generation don't find them in the least bit funny.

THE DEVIL MADE ME POST THIS: I'm truly truly SORRY


Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!

Rod Stewart has turned down an invitation to sing at Margaret Thatcher's funeral.

He thought 'Wake up Maggie' might not be appropriate.

If I've got someone new in my car, and I happen to drive past a cemetery, I usually try this one on for a laugh...

" you know, that if you live in.............(name of town etc.), that you can't be buried here". "really?" .......(pause while thinking). "why's that then?".

"cause you can't bury people who are alive"

Cracks me up every time.

Later on you can say " you know, the word gullible is not in the English dictionary".

"really?". Then they usually hit you.

An oldie but the Vatican one got me going!

Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street when they spot a particularly handsome 12 year old boy.
The priest says "Wouldn't you like to fuck him?"
The Rabbi says "Out of what?"

My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder...

And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking cock.

"It doesn't matter what I do or say," I told the wife, "I'm always wrong in your eyes."

"That's not true," she said.

A lesbian regained consciousness in hospital. She saw a doctor, a nurse and a young man by her bed.

"You're lucky to be alive," said the doctor. "Your car crashed in a blizzard, and this young man found you unconscious. He rang for an ambulance, but it couldn't get through the snow. So he carried you all the way here in the cold, and we found you needed a blood transfusion. Fortunately, his blood group is the same as yours, so he gave some of his. Then he phoned a garage and got your car picked up, and now it's fixed. So you'll be okay, and this nurse has driven your car here, so that's ready."

The lesbian said, "Thank you EVER so much." She reached up and hugged the nurse, then snarled at the young man, "Too much trouble for you to go and fetch my car, was it?"

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
.................................................. ..

A simple Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager :

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my Ute
And is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303 rifle behind the seat.
Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said
Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the
Bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck
Under the right-front wheel arch.'

You there Boss?'

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

An oldie but the Vatican one got me going!

Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street when they spot a particularly handsome 12 year old boy.
The priest says "Wouldn't you like to fuck him?"
The Rabbi says "Out of what?"

Due to an administrative error a Rabbi and a Priest were doing charity work together at an orphanage in a disadvantaged country, when a fire broke out out.
The Rabbi barged for the door knocking all aside in his rush to escape.
"What about the children?" Shouted the priest,
"Fuck 'em" shouted the rabbi over his shoulder on his way out the door.
"Do we have time?" said the priest.

GOOD ONE....