Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by kingwilly

Ruined by the fact you started the post with an OMFG!

Actually there "kingwilly"; if you were half as observant as you imagine you are.

You'd have seen that it was OMMFG, which is actually "Oh-my-muther-fuckin'-god", not just a normal OMFG.

Not that I'm casting dispersions or anything...

Originally Posted by toddaniels

Not that I'm casting dispersions or anything...

Cough. it is "casting aspersions" not "casting dispersions"

Originally Posted by toddaniels

Originally Posted by kingwilly

Ruined by the fact you started the post with an OMFG!

Actually there "kingwilly"; if you were half as observant as you imagine you are.

You'd have seen that it was OMMFG, which is actually "Oh-my-muther-fuckin'-god", not just a normal OMFG.

Not that I'm casting dispersions or anything...

Oh, I observed it alright, the same as I observe all your damned z's; I just chose to ignore it.

Kid gets home from school and his dad asks him what he did in class.

"Fannys. Cocks. Tits" says the lad, whereupon his father clips him round the ear and sends him to his room.

When the mum gets home and finds out, she berates her husband. "You fool, he had his first sex education lesson today. You'd better go and apologise or he'll get the wrong idea".

So dad goes upstairs and creaks open the door to find the lad on the bed having a wank.

He says "Son, can I have a word when you've finished your homework?".


=================

A dad goes into his son's bedroom and catches him having a wank.

"If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!" says the dad.

The lad replies: "Dad, I'm over here".

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

"If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!" says the dad.

I'm gonna stop once I need glasses...

Friends trying to pressure you into trying Nitrous Oxide?

Just say NO!

I got locked out of the Metaphor Society today, so I smashed their back doors in

A well respected doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

I've always wondered why porn films can be over 45 minutes long? I mean if it takes you that long to have a wank, you should be in them, not fucking watching them.

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.

I'm down to two butts a day.'

Apparently double-barrelled names come about when both parents want to keep their surnames, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy.

It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is pissed off at you.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

Sepp Blatter is going to spend his new found spare time improving his tennis.

His fore-hand shots are nothing special but his back-handers are bloody amazing.

Originally Posted by OhOh

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, a daughter and grandmother.

One night the daughter came home looking very down.
"How did you get on tonight dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."

"Wow!" said the mother, "That’s not bad. In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"

"Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

outa greens

I can't decide whether to accept your invitation to play Candy Crush, or drape my wet bollocks over an electric fence!

We live in Perth Australia and my Missus decided for the first time to wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like.
The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats.
Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.

" Fucking Terrific "
Said the South African at rush hour.

^ Clever

Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners and asks the old man serving "Can you get this stain out of my dress?".

Being a bit deaf, he says "Come again?".

She says "No, this time it's ice cream".

i just found £12.58 at the bus station i thought some other guy was going to pick it up but he seemed more interested in playing his guitar so i thought fek it.......

Dear Mr. Smith,
Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show. I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her and agree that she may possess the attributes we are looking for in the show's contestants.
However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually “Fact Hunt”. In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.
Yours,
Charles Knight.
Light Entertainment,
BBC Television Centre, London.

I know a katoey who's only ambition is to eat drink and be Mary