I have an insane EU regulation that seems to fit you very very well.
The pacifier chain regulation
"DIN EN 12586" - die Schnullerkettenverordnung - Politik Nachrichten - Deutschland - Hamburger Abendblatt52 closely printed pages , eight chapters , each with up to 40 sub-points : How extensive is the provision in which Brussels wants to ensure the safety of a small toy . But even the EU bureaucrats acknowledge that accidents caused by pacifiers , " are virtually unknown "
Here's a pacifier for all the idiots....but please don't choke on it
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