Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by nidhogg

Murphy's Law: You wait and wait, but the minute you use the stethoscope to listen to your balls, the doctor walks in.

I can honestly say I have never done that.

^ Yet, but you are curious now though.

A Pirate with a paper towel hat walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What the deal with the paper towels on your head?" The Pirate responds "Arrrr, I have a Bounty on me head!"

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

A Pirate with a paper towel hat walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What the deal with the paper towels on your head?" The Pirate responds "Arrrr, I have a Bounty on me head!"

Then there is the British version where a pirate walks into a pub with a chocolate bar on his head. The publican says I see you have a Bounty on you head.

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

A Pirate with a paper towel hat walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What the deal with the paper towels on your head?" The Pirate responds "Arrrr, I have a Bounty on me head!"

Then there is the British version where a pirate walks into a pub with a chocolate bar on his head. The publican says I see you have a Bounty on you head.

Originally Posted by Neo

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

A Pirate with a paper towel hat walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What the deal with the paper towels on your head?" The Pirate responds "Arrrr, I have a Bounty on me head!"

Then there is the British version where a pirate walks into a pub with a chocolate bar on his head. The publican says I see you have a Bounty on you head.

I should red you just for thinking that's funny. But I won't.
Now where's that little toerag snakeeyes.

"Jesus loves you." A nice gesture in church, a horrific thing to hear in a Spanish prison.

Statistics say 4 out of 5 people suffer from Diarheoa, does that mean 1 in 5 enjoy it.

If a pig loses his voice is he disgruntled?

Doctors have stated that 1 in 4 people suffer from a mental disorder, think of your 3 best mates , if they're OK then it is you.

An admiral, army general and air force general are having lunch at the air force officers club. They get into a discussion as to which service has the bravest men.

The air force general says that its the average airmen and tells his orderly to go out and throw himself into the engine of a jet turning on the ramp. The airmen runs outside across the ramp and dives into the intake of a jet sitting there, instantly the jet bellows smoke and blood from the tailpipe.

The army general says well that's impressive but really not very brave. He pulls a pearl handled 1911 from his Sam Brown and tells his orderly to shoot himself. The orderly takes the weapon, places it to his head and shoot himself dead.

The admiral says that very impressive but to demonstrate the clear superiority of the average sailor will require a trip to the docks. The three get in the admirals car and they drive to the docks. The car pulls up alongside an aircraft carrier. In the highest mast on the ship a seaman is slopping paint. The admiral takes a bullhorn from his car and calls up to the seaman. "Seaman, jump your ass down here onto this pier right now."

From the top of the ship can be heard the cry, "Fuck you." The admiral turns to his counterparts and says, "Gentleman, that takes real balls!"

Originally Posted by Storekeeper

An admiral, army general and air force general are having lunch at the air force officers club. They get into a discussion as to which service has the bravest men.

The air force general says that its the average airmen and tells his orderly to go out and throw himself into the engine of a jet turning on the ramp. The airmen runs outside across the ramp and dives into the intake of a jet sitting there, instantly the jet bellows smoke and blood from the tailpipe.

The army general says well that's impressive but really not very brave. He pulls a pearl handled 1911 from his Sam Brown and tells his orderly to shoot himself. The orderly takes the weapon, places it to his head and shoot himself dead.

The admiral says that very impressive but to demonstrate the clear superiority of the average sailor will require a trip to the docks. The three get in the admirals car and they drive to the docks. The car pulls up alongside an aircraft carrier. In the highest mast on the ship a seaman is slopping paint. The admiral takes a bullhorn from his car and calls up to the seaman. "Seaman, jump your ass down here onto this pier right now."

From the top of the ship can be heard the cry, "Fuck you." The admiral turns to his counterparts and says, "Gentleman, that takes real balls!"

Piss poor and not funny at all.
Red for snakeeyes.
The problem is I need to reload.
Can someone help me out here please.

A person playing a piano is called a pianist , why is a person who races a car not called a racist.

WE are told that to be useful we should help others , what exactly are the others here for.

Who was the sadist who put the letter S in the word lisp.

This is such a heart warming story.

Two Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes' ?

Originally Posted by Latindancer

This is such a heart warming story.

Two Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes' ?

They have hosties on planes to fetch coke and stuff. They don't have a counter where you get your own.

Paddy took his goldfish to the vet- I tink it has epilepsy he told the vet , after observing it for a while the vet said it kooks fine to me , but wait said Paddy I haven't taken it out of the water yet.

Originally Posted by Ozcol

Paddy took his goldfish to the vet- I tink it has epilepsy he told the vet , after observing it for a while the vet said it kooks fine to me , but wait said Paddy I haven't taken it out of the water yet.

^ you having a good day cuju ?

My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.

When dining out, instead of going Dutch with your partner, go, "Greek".

Gorge yourself at someone else's expense, then bugger off without paying

^ doesn't that experience also have another name, named after a former poster? Doing a DJ Pat.

Originally Posted by Bettyboo

^ doesn't that experience also have another name, named after a former poster? Doing a DJ Pat.

Wonder how DJ's getting on these days.
He was doing some retraing wasn't he. Got an actual job then, or in the nick for doing a DJ pat.