Dave. Here's the poster.
https://teakdoor.com/Gallery/albums/u...2355/Panto.jpg
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Dave. Here's the poster.
https://teakdoor.com/Gallery/albums/u...2355/Panto.jpg
^ Shouldn't that be 'Sinderella'
i saw my dwarf neighbour standing at the bus stop today, so i stopped and said "jump in, i'll take you home".
"fuck off ya prick!" he replied.
i said "fine, suit yourself you ungrateful little bastard".
so i zipped up my rucksack and kept on walking ! !
A teacher in Detroit asked students to use "handsome" in a sentence. A student named Latisha says:
Sometimes when I be pleasin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw gits sore, and I hafta use my handsome." :rofl:
THINGS CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
He who eat crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
Finally, CONFUCIUS DID SAY ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
I tried to watch some old videos of Angelina Jolie with her tits out on You Tube.
But they've been removed.
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
I bought my wife a new perfume called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it because she tends to get sleepy and it makes her arse sore.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his widower father, and working in the family business.
Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided to bone up on financial planning.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
My wife said she's leaving me because of my excessive drinking.
Ironically, that's what made me propose to her in the first place.
My son's teacher rang me today accusing me of helping him with his sex education homework.
"Bollocks" I said. "What proof have you got?"
"Well Mr. Kay", she replied, "According to Luke, when he was asked where do babies come from, he wrote 'regrettable drunken one night stands'."
After serving as co-pilots in Afghanistan, Dave & I became best friends, so I was distraught when I caught him sleeping with my wife.
We can't fly together anymore if his eyesight's that fucked.
:smileylaughing::smileylaughing::smileylaughing:
My kids keep on taking the piss out of my Alzheimer's.Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.
Nice one dave:smileylaughing:
And that's 3000 posts from me :chitown:
My wife went shopping two weeks ago to get me some milk. She never returned.
My mate asked how I was coping.
Not too bad I said...I'm using the dried stuff!
"I bet you a tenner that when I'm out working," my wife said, "you just sit there in your undies watching porn."
"That's a tenner you owe me." I said. "I wear yours."
I hate when I'm in a hurry at the bank and I get a really chatty cashier.
"What kind of a gun is that?" "Where did you get it?" "Does it come in different colours?"
A guy brings his best buddy home for dinner.
His wife screams, "You asshole!
My hair & makeup aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done,
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the hell did you bring him home?"
"Cause he's thinking of getting married."
"..well it's a stretch dear but I do believe you..christ knows how ya gonna convince the Mullah though"
Joseph..dateline: 2months B.C.
That should be Rabbi, they were Jews.Quote:
Originally Posted by crepitas
wow!!! ..really!!!....and how would THAT be humorous? Der!Quote:
Originally Posted by KoojoThat should be Rabbi, they were Jews.Quote:
Originally Posted by crepitas
Um, same way it was when it was a mullah? Der.Quote:
Originally Posted by crepitaswow!!! ..really!!!....and how would THAT be humorous? Der!Quote:
Originally Posted by KoojoThat should be Rabbi, they were Jews.Quote:
Originally Posted by crepitas
The post office has released a new stamp honoring sex trade workers...
The cost will be one dollar, or three if you want to lick it.
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a shop like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
:smileylaughing::smileylaughing::smileylaughing:Quote:
Originally Posted by charleyboy
That's a classic.
I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business,
patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a
half- burned Union Jack duct taped on the trunk of their car and a
"Remember 7-7" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler lorry came speeding through the junction and ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a lorry driver.
Can someone explain why the above post is invisible if one is using vBulletin Original?
Charleyboy did you purposely chose white as a font colour?
^ Is that better?
If not, PM your mobile and I'll tell you the joke!
Well I thought it might be a forum bug or the like as quite a lot of posts come through invisible using vBulletin Original.
Neal. You're to technical for me, I still work in pounds and ounces!Quote:
Originally Posted by VocalNeal
Look way dowwnn at the bottom left of the page.Quote:
Originally Posted by charleyboy
But you understood the stones in the shoes joke then.
It all got complicated for me when we stopped using those exercise books with all the data on the back!!
https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2013/05/3483.jpg
40 poles used to be a furlong, now it is a bus full. :mid:
^ Good one!
I just bought a bushel of potatoes from Tesco's.
My mate took his grandad to one of those fancy health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...
Cost him £35 but it was cheaper than a funeral...
The pictures of the little chinese baby who was rescued after blocking the sewage pipe were really heart warming.
I hear the nurses have named him Tam Pon.Pete
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
...
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.
^ Another joke wasted on me...I was a feet and inches man!
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock