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Bill Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid were driving through Kansas when a giant tornado blew the car to the Land of Oz. Nancy said, “I’m going to ask the Wizard for a heart.”
Harry said, “I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain.”
Bill said, “Where’s Dorothy?”
My missus decided to wear a burka for a week , just to see what the public reaction would be .The first morning she was sworn at , punched on the nose , kicked up the arse and received death threats ,,,, Who knows whats going to happen when she leaves the house ..
Last night my wife wanted us both to fantasize we were different people
when we fucked each other she said she wanted me to be George Clooney,
I said ok but for some reason she stormed out of the bedroom when I asked
her to be the hot little 18 year old office junior that goes for the sandwiches at work.
This supposedly really happened on a TV station in Michigan.
A large snow storm was predicted the previous night but DID NOT happen.
The female TV anchor asked the male weatherman:
"...and George what about the nine inches you prommised me last night?"
The TV channel went dark and it had to prodcast commercials for nearly 5 minutes!
Cheers and Happy New Year.
Amina
Chat up lines through the ages
1920: "May I have this dance?"
1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?"
1980: "What's your star sign?"
2012: "Here's a picture of my penis."
A newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
"When the newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
"Why, that's amazing", the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The newfie nodded. "I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from the fuckin' skippin'."
^ Fukin beauty
Blokes wife asks him if she appears to have put weight. He says, quite rightly, that she does seem to have put a little weight on over the festive period. "have you thought about a little exercise dear?" he asks. " what would you suggests?" she replies. "well, you could walk half a mile in the morning, and half a mile every evening" he says to the wife. "do you think that would help me lose a few pounds?" she asks of hubby.
"dunno about that, but by the end of the week you'd be seven fcukin' miles away ya fat cnut"
Son: Hey Mum, have you seen my bottle of pills marked LSD
Mum: No, but have you seen the fucking dragon in the kitchen
A dapper gent in his mid eighties walked into an upscale cocktail lounge freshly groomed and scented with expensive after-shave. With a boutonniere in the lapel of his charcoal double-breasted suit, he presented quite the debonair image.
Seating himself next to a lovely younger lady in her mid seventies, he offered to buy here a drink and inquired, “So tell me dear, do I come here often?"
Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together. The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been.
The white guy says, "My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night".
The black guy says "I can't get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?"
The white guy says, "I read her poetry every night."
His black friend then asks, "What kind of poetry?"
The white guy replies, "Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you." Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it - it's a sure thing!
The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling.
The white man asks, "What happened?!"
The black man says, "Man, don't ever speak to me again!"
The curious white man asks, "Well, what did you say to her?"
The black man replies, 'Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bitch, and take it like a dog!!"
63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA .
Jonathan Ross has been accused
of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take..
Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration.
‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you’ve sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’
My friend said he likes sneaking into the shower to surprise sex his girlfriend and told me I should try it...
Turns out he meant with my girlfriend.
If women who sleep around too much were labelled "heroes" instead of "sluts", us guys would be having a lot more sex.
Someone fucked up here...
In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa
A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache"
Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:
Let's say, You come home from work and find
there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood....
and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do ......
Raise the ceilings, or remove the shit?
An oldie, and a bit longer, but one of my favs....
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man
standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both
run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered
voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using
yours?'
The wife left a note on the fridge “It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Dad’s."
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.
Not sure what she was talking about.
I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas, you should have seen her face light up when she opened it..
Cheers
My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"
I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."
2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They're both in hospital. Ones in a korma ... The others got a dodgy tikka .
Two Chinese gangsters are plotting a break in at a Scottish distillery. One says to the other "Is it Whisky?"! "Yes", the other one replies "but not as whisky as a bank wobbery "
Was one of them in charge of the supplies..?
Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.
Everyone complains when horse meat is found in Tesco burgers..
Not a word when Camel Toes are found in Primark Leggings....
How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: they'll complain to the authorities that changing lightbulbs is against their religion and our stupid fucking government will lap it all up and change the whole country's lifestyle so we can compensate for those lazy, sweaty, filthy, miserable, benefit thieving, rag-head Paki cunts!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'
An old man hobbles slowly into the doctor and says that he and his wife are no longer getting pleasure out of sex.
"How old are you?" asks the doctor
"I'm 82" says the man
"and how old is your wife?"
"she's 74"
"oh" says the doctor astonished "and when was the last time you and your wife had sex?"
"twice last night and once this morning"
paddy ,,, what do you want on your beefburger Sean ?
Oh, a fiver each way.
I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.
Through alcohol and poor judgement.
New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan told the press yesterday that he is already preparing for the 2014 World Cup. He has bought himself a new television. :)
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one
lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday,I get two hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations"
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
The great thing about marriage is being able to have sex whenever you want.
As long as you're the one with the pussy.
Im not saying shes ugly
But she would definetly be a hard wank
A very attractive woman goes to a plastic surgeon for breast reduction surgery. The doctor gets everything set up and says to her, "First, I have to numb them. Is that okay?" When she gives her permission, he leans in and goes,
"Num num num num num..."
Now on sale at Ikea ...Lesbian beds... No nuts or Screws...... its all Tongue and Groove.