I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance, so I pushed her over.
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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance, so I pushed her over.
Lifted from an email:
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
.I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I
thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Good one, can't green you agin so soon.Quote:
Originally Posted by Boon Mee
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years. Upon her
return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why
did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed,
I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK Daddy...as ye wish...I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque.
For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling
new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a
membership to the Limerick Country Club.
She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board
my new yacht in the Caribbean."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old
Daddy a big hug."
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off
He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
?
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
?
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it fuckin Wrong.
Why Old Men Don't Get Hired!
The Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest
weakness?"
Old Man: "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is
a weakness."
Old Man: "I really don’t give a shit what you think."
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."
^ There's a micro second there where he looks like Michael Schumacher:)
I met someone the other day who says he always cries after sex..... mind you he is in prison.
The wife said to me last night "If you turn the light out I will take it up the arse" Maybe I should have let the bulb cool down first.
A guy knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans .
I said fuk that with my luck I'd win one.
My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sisters throat.
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that the house had been robbed . The offenders had also drunk all his beer and raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says "I cant believe they fuked the missus after only 5 beers".
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on
her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ...women like that are hard to find."
I was shagging the neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
Old bushman was telling his granddaughter if she wants to live a long life to sprinkle a bit of gunpowder on her cereal every morning , she did this religiously till she died at 103. She left 14 children ,25 grandchildren, 42 great grandchildren , 12 great great grandchildren and a 40 ft hole where the crematorium used to be.
What did the Lone Ranger say when he went to put the garbage out?
To the dump
To the dump,
To the dump, dump, dump
To the duuumppp...
to the dump,dump dump.
He who hangs around a grave site for 3 hours,has lost the plot.Quote:
Originally Posted by Boon Mee
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name
of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a
good explanation.'
Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him
on the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'
'Your horse phoned.'
US debt ceiling news and my mirrored bedroom ceiling, no difference between them , I can see myself getting fucked in both of them....
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world,
swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It
came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
INVITATION
I am hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can’t come let me know.
A Texas oil man went to court and demanded a divorce from his adulterous wife.
"On what grounds?" the judge asked.
"Breach of contract."
"Come on, now," the judge admonished. "You don't own your wife as if she were a piece of property."
"Maybe not," the Texan said. "But I damn sure have exclusive drilling rights!"
The Jewish pervert said to the little girl...you're not going to eat all them sweets are you....?
Nearly shagged a Lady boy last night.
Picked him up in a night club.
He Looked like a woman.
Smelled like a woman.
Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at his apartment,
he reversed his car into a tight parking slot
in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. “Hang about” !!!!
I got the wife a pug dog as a surprise present the other day. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat the dog seems to like her....
Mate of mine has a marital aides shop and asked if I could watch the place while he went of on an arrand the other day.
A woman came in looking to buy a dildo.
I showed her a couple of different sizes and colours but she was looking for something bigger.
She says "I'll have that tartan one over?"
Mate come back and asked me how I went.
"Not bad," I says. "I got $40 for your thermos."
Dear Jim
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama’s new health care package.
The Allergists were in favour of scratching it,
the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception,
the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
the Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing a
Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons thought that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter".
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington !!
Sincerely,
Dr. CIGA Francis
Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car .... when a bunch of rowdy guys that were drunk pulls up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are ... show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,
"Screw off ye little fookin wankers... before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,
"Was that cross enough?"
Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.
She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.
Even after 20 years, I still get a buzz from beekeeping.
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home
and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like crap.