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I was taking a shit in the toilet on the train today when somebody knocked on the door.
He said "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now" I shouted "I'm taking a shit!"
He said "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem" I said sliding it under "The yellow bits are sweet corn".
I was in the supermarket with my wife, she said your a lazy bastard,I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Took the Mrs out for dinner down the pub last night, it was all going well until a few people started calling me a peado.
OK so I'm 54 and the Mrs is only 23 but for fucks sake that's well out of order.
Put a right downer on out tenth anniversary I tell you!
Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, "I can't be bothered to walk all the way home. As you know, we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home."
"We could steal a bus from the depot," replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, "What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?"
"I can't find a No. 91"
"Oh Jaysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the Roundabout."
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Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador".
"Really ? " says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind ?"
<> <> <>
I've just met a woman that cleans her minge with bleach............Flash cnut
An old man says to his wife "Would you like a snack?".
"Yes", she says, "I want some strawberries. Will you remember that?".
"Of course", he replies, "I'm not senile".
"And I want some whipped cream with them. Can you remember that?".
"Yes, Strawberries and whipped cream".
"And sprinkle some chocolate on it. I bet you forget".
"Oh for god's sake woman, Strawberries, Whipped cream and chocolate on top. I'll remember damn it!" he snaps.
He goes into the kitchen and half an hour later he comes out with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The woman says "Where's my toast?".
There is a tv show in the uk called "Queer eye for a straight guy", Its where a few gay guys go clothes shopping with a straight guy and sort his wardrobe out for him.
I tried it and they didn't help me on the fashion front....They all fucked me.
What's black, hairy and smells of B.O.?
Michelle Obama's fanny !
Polish immigrant goes to Specsavers for an eye test.
Optician shows the test card with C Z W J X N Y S A C Z and asks him "can you read that"?
The Pole says, read it? I know the cnut.
The Pope and Julia Gillard are on a stage at the MCG in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Julia and says "do you know with one wave of my hand I can make this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice". Gillard replies "I seriously doubt that you can do that with just one wave of your hand. Show me". So the Pope backhands the Bitch!
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand
Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!
> Fire authorities in California found a
corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage
done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet
suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
> A post-mortem test revealed that the
man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental
records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set
about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of
a forest fire.
> It was revealed that on the day of the
fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the
forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as
possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip
buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of
the forest fire.
> You guessed it. One minute our diver
was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the
breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
> Some days, it just doesn't pay to get
out of bed
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewlery store we went into
5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.
His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewelry store.
He said, well I'm in the bar next to it.
^^ think you're having a bad day...
You're a Siamese twin, your brother is gay and you only have one arsehole. :crying:
I left 2 Portsmouth tickets on my seat while I went into Tesco. I was so fucking angry when I came back to find someone had broken into my car and left 2 more
I don't get it?Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
1. What is the similarity between Portsmouth Football Club and an Essex Girl?
They are both dead certs to go down
2. What do Pompey and a worn out old bra have in common ?
No cups and very little support
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops'
A man hasn't been feling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."
Pushing the limit on "quick", so read fast..
In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cowboy, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
"Ya mean women?" asked the cowboy. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks shag sheep."
"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation."
However, after a few months, the correspondent's balls were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.
Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been shagging sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
One cowboy spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
Bob asked his doctor if he had ever laughed at a patient. His doctor said that in over twenty years as a GP he hadn't and that he did his best to remain professional at all times.
With that, Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest willy the doctor had ever seen. It was no bigger than a AAA battery. On seeing it the doctor bursts out laughing.
After regaining his composure and wiping away the tears from his eyes, the doctor took a deep breath and apologised saying that he was very sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. He then asked Bob how he could help him.
Bob said ... "It's swollen".
Might be a good investment.
A friend of mine just started his own business, making land-mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing really well.
He says Prophets are going through the roof.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"...
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
OK not short But...
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Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
Sorry for not posting on new years ! I just got out of the lock up. I got locked up for punching a [at][at][at][at] at a party... In my defense... When you see a Muslim counting down from 10, your instincts just kick in!!
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS
Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure
from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS
Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st
century and comply with the very latest employment, equality,
health & safety and human rights laws.
The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with
wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce
the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number
of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day
and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in
accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race,
gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in
line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All
the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and
nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be
allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager
to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash";
so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced
by sparkling water.
Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include
all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on
request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of
flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist
and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All
information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different
languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be
required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this
applies equally to women crew members.
The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the
White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The
Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned
soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury
Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She
will gently slide into the water as the Royal
Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal
immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south
coast.
The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest
in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to
comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules!"
:UK:
Nice one Crippen thats given me a bright start to the morning
A woman goes into a hairdresser's in Newcastle and says, "Can I have a perm please?" And the hairdresser goes, " I wandered lonely as a cloud ......"
Bloke goes in the shower one morning, his weekly belly-button-fluff removal completed, he feels in his navel, something hard. Gets mirror and light, looks in, sees head of a gold screw, wierd-shaped recess in the head. Pokes around, tries to get it out, no luck.
Off next day to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but he can't get it out either. So on to a proctologist who says he's not qualified for that particular orifice, then a dermatologist who says it doesn't look dangerous, just leave it. Doctor after doctor says can't do anything about it.
Bloke is beginning to feel like a prevert, with this screw in his belly-button.
Despondent after several weeks of futile searching for an answer, he goes in a pub and has a drink. Sees old mate, to whom he tells his story. Mate doesn't laugh but suggest he tries the Wise Woman living on the hill. Poor bloke laughs it off, just goes home and sulks. But after a few such evenings he decides to try the Wise Woman.
(Cue for Black Adder joke if you like).
Anyway he turns up at the Wise Woman's house, she looks at the screw in his navel, hums and ha's, but says the only think she can think of is this: "sleep next full moon under an open window, drag your bed over to the right position, no bed clothes, just lie there."
Bloke pays her and goes home, thinks what a load of cobblers it all is, but come the bext full moon he drags his bed over under the window, opens this, pulls bedclothes down and waits. Moonbeam slowly moves around until it's shining on his navel: then he sees something !
A tiny but beautiful fairy is flying down the moonbeam towards him, a screwdriver under one arm. She lands on the bed, hops up to his navel, inserts the screwdriver - it fits ! - and turns..and turns..and turns...and slowly out comes the screw, about 8" long. When it's right out she nods her head, tucks the screw under one arm, the 'driver under the other, and flies back up the moonbeam.
Bloke feels so happy it's gone at last, he falls asleep with a smile on his face. Next morning he wakes up and feels - yes, the horrid screw is gone !
He jumps out of bed with a cry of joy, and his arse falls off.
A guy is cleaning his car and starts polishing the headlights when a genie appears.
"I am the genie of the car headlamp" he says "I grant you one wish"
The guys says "I wish my cock would touch the ground"
And his legs fell off.
Apparently these are the year end statistics on Airport pat-down screening from the Atlanta airport TSA office:
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Incontinence 6,418
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
I think it's a hoax, there aren't that many blondes in Georgia!
There must be a moral to that story?Quote:
Originally Posted by crippen
If it's there it's there for a reason, if you don't know the reason, don't tamper.?
A kid loses his mum in Tesco's
The supervisor says, "What's she like?"
The kid replies, "Big dicks and vodka."
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He again declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat “Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off and letting me up? I'm starving."
Q: Did you hear about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine?
A: He died of an overdose
A dentist got married to a manicurist.
They fought tooth and nail.
Tommy Cooper.
The moral of the story is : Not all "jokes" are funny.Quote:
Originally Posted by Koojo
Anyway:
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, “How am I doing?”
The prostitute replies, “Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.”
“Three knots,” he asks. “What's that supposed to mean?”
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.”
Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Se-x. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........by way you got nice house'.