Thread: Quick Jokes

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

That reminds me. What do you call a fly with no wings?


















A walk.

What do you call a Mexican just released from the hospital?


Manuel

Wow!!!
I didn't know that!
Now I can sleep.
I just hope he doesn't ring.

Originally Posted by noelbino

Wow!!!
I didn't know that!
Now I can sleep.
I just hope he doesn't ring.

WTF??

Noel appears to have had alcohol on top of some other medicine. The joke is on him.

My mate said, "I like your sports car."

I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby."

He said, "How about I buy it off you."

I said, "Yeah go on then. £4000?"

He said, "You've got yourself a deal."

I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad."

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

That was in response to 4700.
However my medicine and drinks are interactive.

"Best" Edinburgh Festival jokes 2018 (Note for fuckwits: This is not my list, see link below).

(If anyone hasn't used their Telegraph quote for the month, perhaps you could post theirs:

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comedy/w...es-one-liners/ )

“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.” Gary Delaney

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis

“I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.” Lou Sanders

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine

“I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.” Emo Philips

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” Gary Delaney

“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.'” Paddy Lennox

“I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” Jack Whitehall

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book” Frankie Boyle

“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” Alexei Sayle

“I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her” Lew Fitz

“I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated” Andy Field

“Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant” Mark Simmons

“I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it…” Jimeoin

“I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house” Ed Byrne

“I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine” Olaf Falafel

“Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!”‘ Alasdair Beckett-King

“A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event” Angela Barnes

“As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer” Adele Cliff

“For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it” Phil Wang

“I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark” Adam Hess

“I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act” Tim Vine

“Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one …” Stuart Mitchell​

“I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” Mark Watson

“Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” Mark Smith

“I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.” Will Duggan

“Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” Tiff Stevenson

“I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” Gary Delaney

“Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” Adele Cliff

“Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” Annie McGrath

“If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. that work?” Olaf Falafel

“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes

“If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.” Olaf Falafel

“I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” Roger Swift

“Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” Arthur Smith

“I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” Zoe Lyons

“Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soy seems to be the hardest word.” Phil Nicol

“Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West” Stewart Francis

“Surely every car is a people carrier?” Adam Hess

“What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter” Masai Graham

“Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas” Mark Nelson

“Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day” Tom Parry

“I never lie on my CV…because it creases it.” Jenny Collier

“If you don’t know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself” Ian Smith

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time” Tom Ward

“Earlier this year I saw ‘The Theory of Everything’ – loved it. Should’ve been called ‘Look Who’s Hawking’, that’s my only criticism” James Acaster

“I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set.” Masai Graham

“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina

“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” Paul F Taylor

“This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.” Felicity Ward

“My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.” Tim Vine

https://inews.co.uk/light-relief/hum...rs-best-jokes/

Just found out a pedophile is not something you trim your toenails with.

Far too clever Birding!!! Excellent

I drink a lot of brake fluid but i'm not addicted, I can stop whenever I want.

My grief counsellor died recently. He must have been good 'cos I didn't give a shit.

Asked facebook and its OK for muesli to have black things in but not if they run around.

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'but she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'

Originally Posted by toslti

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'but she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'

Rangi (a Maori chap) took his wife to hospital after she complained of chest pains. Doctor pulled Rangi aside and said, "Your wife has acute angina", to which Rangi replied, "Yeah, and her titties are nice too."

Originally Posted by Maanaam

Rangi (a Maori chap) took his wife to hospital after she complained of chest pains. Doctor pulled Rangi aside and said, "Your wife has acute angina", to which Rangi replied, "Yeah, and her titties are nice too."

Why is it 'Rangi' a 'Maori chap'? How odd.

“If anyone is feeling anxious, worried or maybe you just want a chat, please, please do not come crying to me.” – Sister Michael

Originally Posted by Cujo

Why is it 'Rangi' a 'Maori chap'? How odd.

OK, would "Paddy, an Irish chap" suit you better?
How odd to question who the character of a joke is. Odd indeed.

Man says to his wife "pack your bags, I've won the lottery".

She says "what should I pack? Something light? Something warm? Where are we going?"

He says "We're going nowhere, just pack your bags and fuck off".

Originally Posted by Maanaam

OK, would "Paddy, an Irish chap"

Would be more traditional.

When I was a kid my mate lived in a castle.

On his birthday his dad hired him a bouncy council estate.

Originally Posted by Cujo

Would be more traditional.

pedantic.

What does a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside her have in common?


They are both thinking, "Shit, my mum's going to kill me"