Thread: Quick Jokes

My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers... so I did.

She's 25, and her name's Candy.

Marriages are made in heaven, but
maintenance charges have to be paid on earth.

A terrorist attack has blown away two local houses, one made of straw & the other made of wood.

Police think that its probably a lone wolf....

Blonde goes to a pizza shop and orders one pizza. the person at the counter asks her: "would you like your pizza cut in 6 slices or 12?" and the blonde said "Six please! One couldn't possibly eat 12 slices!".

I rang the RSPCA last night to explain that I had found a suitcase full of kittens by the side of the road.
"Are they moving?" Asked the operator.
I said "I'm not sure, but that would explain the suitcase".

Putting the decorations away in the attic, I found an old 1977 copy of the Radio Times, or as its called now, The Sex Offenders Register.

Me to Dr: I’ve hurt my penis in a surfing accident
Dr: Did you fall off your board
Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in

I got pulled over by a policeman earlier. He said "You have got no road tax, both of your back tyres are bald, one of your headlights is broken, and to top it off you have an open beer in your hand".

"See you tomorrow" I said.

The copper said to me. "And what exactly does that mean?".

I said "FFS officer will you shut up I'm on the phone".

I was at a job interview today.
The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."
I said, "That's correct."
He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"
I said, "No."

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?

She whispered, "They're behind you"

What do you call a surprised Chinese man?

Ho Lee Fuk

What do you call a dumb Chinese prostitute?

Wun Dum Ho

Originally Posted by nidhogg

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?

She whispered, "They're behind you"

I said "Have you got any books on Suicide?", she said "Fuck off, you won't bring it back".

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Just letting you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in, I have only gone and poisoned myself.

What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb.

They said I should be out sometime in the spring

Hearing that scientists have developed a cure for dyslexia was music to my arse.

Chinese guy walks into the pub, stands beside me and starts drinking.
I ask him, "Do you know kung fu or any of those Asian martial arts?"
He says, "Why da fuk you ask me dat...cos I'm Chinese?"
I said, "No, because you're drinking my beer."

Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking b*tches

Talent show judge: When you said you were going to saw that girl in half..... I thought you were a magician

For Valentines my girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.

When I die, I want my last words to be "I left a million quid under the..........".

Wife: Give it to me i’m so f*ckin wet!
Husband: I don’t care how much you shout, I’m not giving you the umbrella.

Did you hear about the naked woman who robbed a bank?
Nobody could remember her face.

My wife says I don't listen. Or something like that.

Drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun at the bus stop. He goes up to her and punches her in face. She falls down and he screams “Not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and asks for five beers.