Thread: Quick Jokes

^ OMG.



What's long and pink and lies on the bottom of the ocean ?

Moby's dick.

Originally Posted by Latindancer

^ OMG.

I knew it, LD's a teenage girl.

Friend of mine has been diagnosed with prostrate cancer

He says he won't take it lying down..

When I went for my last checkup I was surprised to have a finger shoved up my arse.

It's not what I expect from any dentist.

What's the difference between broccoli on your dinner plate and pubic hair?

Nothing.

You have to push both aside to keep eating.

My Jewish friend was saying he didn't think the Jews would ever escape Prejudiced Stereotypes.
I said 'Don't talk like that.'
He said 'No I'm serious'
I replied "No, I'M serious - don't talk like that - it's fucking whiney"

Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat, eventually someone will piss you off

Jewish bloke found dead in a pay as you leave car park.

Smacked the missus on the arse last night.
"into the bedroom with you wench" I said.
She giggled "Oh you horny devil"
"No, seriously" I said. "fuck off, the footy's about to start."


Teacher says to little Tommy '' Why have you brought your cat to school today?''
Tommy answers '' Well miss, this morning i overheard my dad say to mum '' I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave'', so i'm saving him."

I woke up this morning at 8 and I just knew something was wrong. Got downstairs and the Wife was face down on the Kitchen floor, not breathing. I panicked, didn't know what to do.... ....then I remembered McDonald's serve breakfast until 10:30.

I've decided not to award any Christmas bonuses to my Muslim employees this year. I will only be awarding them to the non Muslims.
This is for the same reason that we have been made to take down all our christmas decorations at work.

It's just far to Christmasy for them. And they may get offended by it.

Originally Posted by Cujo

I've decided not to award any Christmas bonuses to my Muslim employees this year. I will only be awarding them to the non Muslims.
This is for the same reason that we have been made to take down all our christmas decorations at work.

It's just far to Christmasy for them. And they may get offended by it.

How is that a joke?

Two abo's in the pub in Darwin.
One says to the other
"You know how when you fuck a white woman and you get all teary eyed and your nose runs and that?"
"Yeah" his mate says.
"What's that all about?" he says.
"I think it's the pepper spray bro" his mate replies.

^ Humour is subjective.

Pity you don't see that with other peoples' jokes.

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

Apparently Paul Daniels sometimes used trapdoors in his acts, but it was just a stage he was going through.

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a spot?

At least a spot waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!

My friend has become a survivalist.
He keeps on harping about the end of the world.
Armageddon sick of it!
----------------
Another couple of friends of mine have started blogs about sausages
I can send you some links if you wish.

I farted at the beach today in Cha-Am.
Four people turned around...I thought I was on, The Voice!

The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.
I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with him.

Thats weird buddy.

Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'
'Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit