Thread: Quick Jokes

A bloke says to his mate "Do you like your women with tits that hang down past their waist?".

"No way" says his mate.

"Do you like your women with an arse like a couple of bags of spuds?".

"Oh no", says his mate.

"Do you like your women with a fanny like a bucket of rotting eels?"'.

"Oh good lord no" says his mate.

"Well what are you doing fucking my wife then?".

An old guy and his wife go out for dinner, order a small meal and split it in half.

His friend says "Jeez...look.... I'll buy your wife a full meal".

"Thanks mate but we share everything" was the reply.

Another friend comes in an joining them, makes the same offer and is told the same....that they share everything. However he sees that the wife is not eating and asks her why.
She replies : "I'm waiting for my turn with the teeth".

Whats the difference between your girlfriend and your wife ?

About 3 stone

My mate Tommo was driving home late the other night when the police pulled him over.
Sir have you been drinking this evening; the copper asked
Tommo grunted:Why is there a fat bird in the car with me ?

You forgot the COMMA ^

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

^^^ I don't know, why is there a fat bird in the car?

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread

Einstein’s mum: Are you happy?
Einstein: Relatively.


I was wondering why I suddenly had pentagrams on my palms.
Then I remembered: I’ve been using hand sataniser.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.


What can think the unthinkable?
An itheberg.


I just got hit by a rented car.
It Hertz.


Say what you want about deaf people …


I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people – but none of them work.


I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want.



I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger.
Then it struck me.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.


Oh come on. How can anybody eff that joke up?

Q. What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus wiping out Klingons.

A man has died after a his angry wife penetrated him with a vegetable.

Hell hath no fury like a woman's corn.

A middle aged couple are at the marriage guidance councilors,

"Is your sex life OK?" asked the councilor.

"I think so," replied the husband, we have a very traditional sex life, she has a headache and I have a wank."

Some quotes.

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."--Al Gore, Vice President

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"--A congressional candidate in Texas .

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."--Mariah Carey

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"I love California .. I practically grew up in Phoenix ...."-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

^ Why post in white? makes it impossible to read.

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

^ Why post in white? makes it impossible to read.

All the posts are in white on my screen, everything on this site has a dark blue background, black does not show up against it.

Is yours different ?

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed .....so we're just waiting.

What Scotlands favourite film?

Home alone

I spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife, she was delighted,

I spent another £2000 on a nose job for her she was ecstatic.

I spent £2000 on liposuction for her, she was over the moon.


I spent £30 on a blow job for myself.She goes mental....... Women?!?!?!

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, then she got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing bj ever.... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before!

Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest Irishman to have lived.

He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.