Thread: Quick Jokes

Phone conversation between David Cameron and Barrack Obama

"Hi Obama it's David, can you hear me?"

"Yes, but there's some crackling on your end"


Cheers

I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run.
It's not an official race.
You just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Fuckwit" & then off we go

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A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver.
The School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open

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Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area.
I've called him Bankstown

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller.
Apparently "a meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69
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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them.
They said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right.
We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker
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Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new Taser!

A 12 stone, ten years old boy was asked what his favourite musical instrument was.

The fat fooker said. The dinner bell!

My missus said I was shit in bed!


"How the hell can you tell that in thirty seconds?" I asked her.

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.



He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

Originally Posted by nidhogg

My missus said I was shit in bed!


"How the hell can you tell that in thirty seconds?" I asked her.

Don't take sleeping pills and laxatives, they make you shit in bed

David Cameron is at his kitchen table carrying a Duck, he looks over to his wife and says, " this is the pig I'm fucking"
His wife replies, " but David, that's not a pig, it's a Duck "
David says " I'm not talking to you "

David Cameron walks into the doctor's and says "My cock smells of bacon."
The doctor asks "What would you like me to do about it?"
"Well, I was hoping to get it cured..."

A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

Roosters to win the flag! 555

Made this one up meself

I was stood outside a hotel on Cha-Am beach today.
This woman comes up and says. 'We have loom for lent.'

'Fookin' pity, that. I'm not coming back until Christmas!'

Originally Posted by Ozcol

Roosters to win the flag! 555

As long as it's not bloody Hawthorn.

Originally Posted by noelbino

Originally Posted by Ozcol

Roosters to win the flag! 555

As long as it's not bloody Hawthorn.

Amen to that.

What does the atheist dyslexic with insomnia do?


Stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

A wife asked her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six"

A short time later the husband came back with six cartons of milk.

The wife demanded, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

“How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.
“Crutches???” the doctor asked.
“Well, yes,” the woman said “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”

whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre

How do crabs cross the road ?


On crutches.

In a school science lesson, one worm was put into a jar of alcohol, one into a jar of cigarette smoke, one into a jar of sperm and a fourth a jar of soil.

The worms in alcohol, cigarette smoke and sperm died. However the worm in soil survived.

The teacher asked the class "What can you learn from this?"

A pupil replied "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

How many Fruedian's does it take to change a penis, shit, I mean my mother, fuck sorry a lightbulb ?

^
IOU a green.

Nurses are great, they are usually the first person you see after saying "hold my beer and watch this"