Thread: Quick Jokes

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have carelessly mislaid all their garments and forgotten the meaning of the word modesty.

He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies : "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
* Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

If we're not meant to have midnight snacks then why is there a light in the fridge?

Little Johnnys neighbours had a new baby boy,unfortunately the baby was born without ears. When the mother and baby came home from hospital Johnnys family was invited over to see the new arrival. Before they left their house Johnnys dad had a talk with him explaining the baby had no ears and told him if he mentioned anything about the missing ears or even uttered the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they got home. Little Johnny told his dad he fully understood.
When Johnny looked into the crib he said "what a beautiful baby".
The mother replied "well thank you little Johnny".
Johnny said "he has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands a cute little nose and beautiful eyes, can he see?"
"Oh yes" the mother replied "we are so thankful, the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision".
"Thats great" said little Johnny "cos he will be really fucked if he ever needs glasses".

I was standing in a bar when this little chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.
I said to him " Do you know any of those martial arts things,like karate or ju-jitsu "
He says no why the fluck you ask me dat,is it coz i chinee ?
No i say it's because your drinking my beer you slanty eyed little cnut.

I was going to tell a gay joke, butt fcuk it!

An Australian man is seeking to join his state police service.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol mate and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."





"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?".
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one........"

A bloke and his missus go to Marriage Guidance Counselling. The counsellor says "Right, let's start with you telling me something you both having in common".

The husband says "Well for starters, neither one of us will suck dick".

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."

Small Medium at Large!

Police are looking for psychic midget that's just escaped from prison.

This maths sequence can predict your all-time favourite film...
My favourite film of all time was Star Wars.

I'm not sure how it works, but it does!
First, Pick a number from 1 - 9....



Multiply it by 3...



Add 3 to it...



Multiply it by 3 again...


Right, not add the two digits you're left with together to find your all time favourite movie from the list...



(Don't look until you have your answer...)



If your number was "1", it's "Gone with the wind"

If "2", it's "Aliens"

If "3", it's "Oliver!"

If it's "4", your favourite film is "Star Wars"

If "5", it's "Forrest Gump"

"6" it's "Saving Private Ryan"

"7" is "Jaws"

"8" is "Grease"

"9", The joy of anal sex with male goats and Ant Robertson.

and if "10" it's "Mary Poppins"

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

"So, here I am".

Q: What's the capital of Greece?
A: About €2.50.

Why did the chicken cross the road.

So I lured this little girl into my basement with the old lost puppy story. So I would say Yes, I am fucking smarter than a 5th grader.













(I hate to put caveats on jokes, and I know paedophilia is a serious matter. In this case though I think the joke is about that farking irritating american show).

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos.... MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem irritated in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

I was driving to a hotel in the pouring rain last night with one of my mistresses, and I ran over a badger by accident. I'm a nature lover, so I stopped and got out to see if it was still alive, but when i poked it, it was stone cold, but I still sensed there was a flicker of life in it, so I scooped it up and asked her if she'd put it between her legs to warm it up. She refused, saying it was all wet and stinky, so I told her to hold the badger's fucking nose.

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?


A pimple waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.

I was recently asked about my views on euthanasia.



I said, "They all look the same to me"

How do you know if your wife is dead?



The sex is still the same but the dishes are piling up.

What does Mcdonalds and Micheal jackson have in common ?

They both lay their meat between 12 year old buns.