Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a “Islamic Book Store.”

I was wondering what exactly was in an Islamic bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientèle, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?”

The clerk said, “F*** off, get out and stay out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one! Do you have it in paperback?

I think that is an old Aussie joke but hey....

My granddad was in a car crash six months ago and had a neck brace fitted, he's never looked back since

Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt

My granddad was in a car crash six months ago and had a neck brace fitted, he's never looked back since

I'll never forget my dad's last words: "Fuck me, a bus".

I was sent to Prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."

He replied, "Well, the Judge did give you 6 years."

"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out. She's never let me finish a sentence before."

Super rich pension funds...

My wife says I've changed since becoming a manager at work.

She's probably just still bitter about being rated 'Unsatisfactory' in her mid-year appraisal.

The supposed ten best for this years Fringe:

Top 10 jokes from Edinburgh Fringe

1. "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh

2. "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse...but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3. "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4. "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter - Masai Graham

5. "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green

6. Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson

7. "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry

8. "The first time I met my wife I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane

9. "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery

10. "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace the Child

And those that didn't make the cut:

"I never lie on my CV…because it creases it."

– JENNY COLLIER

"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself"

– IAN SMITH

"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one to one time"

– TOM WARD

"Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't"

– GYLES BRANDRETH

"Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'"

– ALLY HOUSTON

"Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism"

– JAMES ACASTER

Bosun : Captain ! Captain ! There be an homosexual on this vessel ! Give me a kiss and I'll tell thee who it be, Argh, Jim lad.

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."

^#2959.

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 2 black and 2 Mexican guys arrive.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said “Wait here. I will be right back.”

St. Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter: “How many times do I have to tell you, you can’t be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!”

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

He returns to God’s chambers and says “Well, they’re gone.”

“Who, the black and Mexican guys?” asked God.

“No. The Pearly Gates.”

My wife said she was leaving me because I was obsessed with The Monkees.

I thought she was joking at first but then I saw her face...

how do you titillate an ocelot ?

You oscillate its' titalot .

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The coroner tells the detective: “First body: A wealthy New Yorker, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile. Second body: Texan, 25, won $10,000 on the Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile”.
The detective asked “What about the third body?”

“Ah” says the coroner “This is the most unusual one. Billy Joe Shattucks, from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the detective.

“Thought he was having his picture taken”.

Mixed emotions.

I asked the wife to make me laugh and cry at the same time.

She told me that all my friends cocks are smaller than mine!

Wednesday was National Dog Day, and Thursday was National Burger Day.

Except in Korea, where they combined both.

Sacha Baron Cohen

As Ali G: “Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.”

My missus used to head butt me in the face when she had an orgasm..I didn't mind so much until I found out she was faking them!!

My bird wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live, so I got her sister pregnant. We're on next Tuesday!

^

Truck driver driving down the road see's a rag head knelt down on the grass verge eating grass , he stops and shouts hey whats going on ,the rag head says I have just sneaked in through the Chunnel and and have had nothing to eat for 4 days ,the driver says jump in I'm on my way home I'll give you a good feed , away the go ,after a mile or so he's see's a rag head women and two kids knelt down eating grass , the rag head man says stop stop thats my wife and kids , the driver duly stops and says come on get in I'll take you home and give you a good feed , another mile down the road there's about 20 ragheads all knelt down eating grass , the rag head says to the driver can you stop and take them to your home and give them a feed? they can get on the back of your truck easily , the driver says hey mate I'm sorry but I have only got a small lawn

If your wife has been putting on a few kilos lately - here's what to do.
Make her run 2 Km every morning and another 2 Km every afternoon .
Keep this up for 2 weeks and you will notice that the fat bitch is now 56 Km away!