Thread: Quick Jokes

A woman complains to her doctor that her husband is having trouble "performing". He gives her some tablets for him and tells her to come back in a week.

When she comes back, he asks her how her husband is doing.

"Well", she says,"This morning at breakfast he ripped off all my clothes, bent me over the table and shagged me like he was a teenager".

"Well that's good news" said the doctor.

"Well not really", she replied, "We're banned from McDonalds now".

Somebody bought my mate a gay advent calender, he can only open the back doors

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."


Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
the driver won £52!

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

The French government has just stated they intend to sue the black
residents of Ferguson for plagiarism.

Apparently the ‘Hands up, don’t shoot” stance was their idea...

If Jesus really is my friend why doesn't his birthday show up on my Face Book alerts?

The human body has over 5 trillion nerves.

My wife gets on every fookin' one of them!

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that!"

A man comes home from an exhausting day at
work, plops down on the couch in front of the
television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer
before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him
a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another
beer before it starts." She looks cross, but
fetches another beer and slams it down next to
him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes
later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's
going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that
all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and
sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a
lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."


The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says,

"I hate my mother-in-law."

The other replies, "Well, just eat your veggies then."

^ That's from primary school and that ^^ is not a 'quick joke'.
Now I'm going to have to red snakeeyes again.

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS[at][at][at][at][at][at]

1:[at]I prefer breasts to legs.[at]
2:[at]Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.[at]3:[at]Smother the butter all over the breasts.[at]
4:[at]If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst![at]
5:[at]I've never seen a better spread![at]
6:[at]I fancy a little dark meat for a change.[at]
7:[at]Are you ready for seconds yet?
8:[at]It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?[at]
9:[at]Just wait your turn, you'll get some![at]
10:[at]Don't play with your meat![at]
11:[at]Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.[at]
12:[at]Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?[at]
13:[at]I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time![at]
14:[at]You still have a little bit on your chin.[at]
15:[at]How long will it take after you put it in?[at]
16:[at]You'll know it's ready when it pops up.[at]
17:[at]Just pull the end and wait for the bang.[at]
18:[at]That's the biggest bird I've ever had![at]
19:[at]I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.[at]
20:[at]Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more[at][at]

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London, England, has been sacked, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway line. I am waiting for the train to come so that I can finally meet Allah."
"Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.

Paddy was at the timber yard and accidentally shears off all of his fingers.
He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I"ll see what I can do." Paddy replies, "I haven"t got the fingers." The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? We could have done microsurgery, I could have sewn them back on. Why on Earth didn't you bring the fingers?" Paddy replies, "I couldn"t fucking pick them up!"

That Timothy Dalton came into my pharmacy today for some Optrex.

"For your eyes only," I told him.

"Fuck off!" he replied. "That was Roger Moore."

Man: I'll show you my Indian rope trick.
Later...
Woman: Oh what's that banging against my bum?
Man: That's my knot.
Woman: Oh can you let out a little more rope please?

^ terrible delivery, so don't give up your day job...

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

What's the difference between an egg 'n a wank?









You can beat 'n egg but you can't beat a wank.

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".