Quick Jokes

**daveboy** · 01-06-2012, 11:07 AM

My wife said switching off her mothers life support machine was the most difficult thing she ever had to do.

She's obviously never tried sneezing holding a full pint

**Boon Mee** · 02-06-2012, 06:24 AM

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

**Neo** · 02-06-2012, 01:35 PM

Haha good one Boon

**harrybarracuda** · 03-06-2012, 01:20 PM

Apparently in a bid to streamline government, Greece is issuing a new alphabet.

The first three letters are: "I....O.....U.....".

**harrybarracuda** · 03-06-2012, 01:21 PM

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

**nidhogg** · 05-06-2012, 06:12 PM

You can always tell a guy who masturbates a lot by his hands.

If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.

**Minnie Maugham** · 06-06-2012, 12:05 AM

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

5555555555 Thanks, Boonie. Here's one for you:

Two cannibals are having dinner. Cannibal One says, "I hate my mother-in-law."
C Two says, "Then just eat the noodles."

Thanks, Dennis Miller. kyakyakya

**Tickiteboo** · 06-06-2012, 12:22 AM

Out walking with my young son the other day, we came across two dogs shagging.

"What are those dogs doing dad?" asks the lad.

Quick as a flash I said " Well son, the front dog is really really tired and the other dog is pushing him all the way home so he doesn't get lost".

"Well it's a good job mum was holding onto the kitchen table yesterday morning, cos I think the postman would have pushed her all the way down to the sorting-office!"

**Fondles** · 06-06-2012, 06:31 AM

Anal sex is like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a kid, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

A little old Jewish lady walks into her Rabbi's office.
Lady: Rabbi Rabbi I just won 300 million dollars!
Rabi: Wow, congratulations. What are you going to do with the money?
Lady: 100 million will go to the synagogue, they have always been there for me.
Rabbi: Very good, we could use a generous donation like that. The rest?
Lady: I'm going to spend 100 million on my family traveling the world, and living it up.
Rabbi: Very good, you have lived a hard life. Enjoy the rest of the time with your family. And the rest?
Lady: I'm going to build 20ft tall gold statue of Hitler.
Rabbi: Why would you do such a thing???? He was a monster! He killed so many of our people! Why would you make tribute to him?
Lady: <holds out her forearm> Well, he gave me the winning numbers!

A chinese guy walks into a bar, where there is a black bartender behind the counter. The chinese guy saunters up and says "give me a jigger, nigger." To which the bartender responds "Hey, we don't talk like that in here." So once more the Chinese guy says "give me a jigger, nigger!" At this point the bartender is getting angry, and knowing he's got a nice little comeback for the chinese guy he says "Ok smartass, how about we switch places, I be the asshole customer and you be the bartender?" The chinese guy agrees, and goes behind the bar. The black guy goes out and comes back inside and says: "Give me a drink, CHINK!"
To which the Chinese guy responds "We don't serve niggers in here."

**Neo** · 06-06-2012, 04:57 PM

Originally Posted by Fondles

Lady: <holds out her forearm> Well, he gave me the winning numbers!

**daveboy** · 07-06-2012, 11:27 PM

Girls in nightclubs are like parking spaces, if u get there late all the good ones are taken, so u end up slipping it in the disabled one while no'ones looking!!

**harrybarracuda** · 08-06-2012, 03:18 PM

Roy Hodgson takes the England team on a pre-tournament boat trip. Suddenly he notices a large turd on the floor. "Someone's shit on the deck!" he cries.
"Yes", says Andy Carroll, "but I'm better with two wingers".

**daveboy** · 09-06-2012, 01:30 AM

Blind fella walks into a bar. He orders a drink & says to the Barman "Do ya want to hear a joke about Paddies? Silence falls and the Man next to him says "Before you say anything, the bloke behind the bar is irish, the bloke on the door is irish and l'm a 6ft, 16st irish karate black belt and my friend here is an irish wrestler. Do you still wanna tell your Irish joke? "Nah" says the Guy "Not if l've got to explain it 4 fukin times!

**daveboy** · 09-06-2012, 08:32 PM

Took the wife to a show where a black fella with big hair spins round & round in circles. When he had finished both me & the wife felt really horny.....
Apparently it was an Afro dizzy act!!

**daveboy** · 09-06-2012, 08:33 PM

Monkey chants have disrupted England's training session in Krakow today. John Terry has been warned, if he does it again he'll be sent home!

**daveboy** · 09-06-2012, 08:33 PM

Why should you not wear loose boxer shorts in Ukraine???.......... Because Chernobyl fallout

**daveboy** · 10-06-2012, 01:18 AM

When asked about his trip to Auschwitz, John Terry replied. 'It was terrible, a real shock. Total disrepair, it's going to be ages before we get it up & running again !

**greg47** · 10-06-2012, 06:21 AM

Subject: Damm robot!! (short & sweet)

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
"Where were you last night"
"I was at the library." The robot slaps son.

"OK I was at a friends house"
"doing what?" asked the father.
"Watching a movie. Toy story." Robot slaps son.

"OK it was porn!" cried the son.
Father yells "What?
When I was your age I didn't know what porn was." Robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says "he certainly is your son." Robot slaps the mother.

**Boon Mee** · 12-06-2012, 05:08 AM

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer. Throw in your washing. We were all having a good old laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said ''I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits''. I said '' Sorry mate did he drown?'' No he said '' he choked on a sock ''.

**Boon Mee** · 12-06-2012, 05:10 AM

Son said to Dad ''I'm Gay''. Dad looks at his other son and said ''What about you?'' Other son said ''Me too Dad''. Dad said "Fuck me, doesn't anyone in this fuck'n family like Pussy?" Daughter said ''I do.''

**greg47** · 12-06-2012, 05:39 AM

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

**greg47** · 12-06-2012, 05:49 AM

.ExternalClass .ecxhmmessage P{padding:0px;}.ExternalClass body.ecxhmmessage{font-size:10pt;font-family:Tahoma;}A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

**Cujo** · 12-06-2012, 08:14 AM

Originally Posted by greg47

.ExternalClass .ecxhmmessage P{padding:0px;}.ExternalClass body.ecxhmmessage{font-size:10pt;font-family:Tahoma;}A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Heard it already.

**nidhogg** · 12-06-2012, 08:32 AM

Greg mate, kinda appreciate your efforts (they are a tad lame) but blue on blue? really?

here is a clue: You can't fucking read it.

**crippen** · 12-06-2012, 10:54 PM

Subject: New Chemist's Assistant

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used.

The first day was fine, but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!" The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

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