Thread: Quick Jokes

Barry Sotero walks into a bar with a big red parrot on his shoulder. The barman is amazed.

He says "Here, thats brilliant that, where the fuck did you get that from?"

The parrot responds "Kenya mate, there is fucking millions of them!"

Stewart Francis's Posh and Becks joke Fringe 'funniest'




The top jokes were:

• 1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

• 2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

• 3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

• 4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

• 5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know why."

• 6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

• 7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

• 8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

• 9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

• 10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

A bloke from the 'weird fetish society' came, knocking at my door earlier

Did he set fire to it, and run away?...

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's 60 kilometres an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

If there's one thing I've learned this week, it's that Prince Harry's pool parties are better than Michael Barrymore's..

Man with a yellow penis goes to his doctor. Doctor asks him whether he is a painter, works in a dye factory or if he works for a chemical plant. The answer is no, no, no,

The doctor then asks what work he does.
He replies, "nothing, I am unemployed"
The doctor then asks what he does all day.
The patient replies, "nothing, I just sit at home all day eating cheese puffs and watching porn."

Aboriginal kid returns home from school and runs up to this father and proudly exclaims, "dad, dad, I just found out today that I've got the biggest cock in grade three". His father looked at him said "son, that dosn't suprise me"









"your seventeen years old"

"Dogs Welcome"

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

SIR: "I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls.

I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too."

here they all are. All from Hollywood Squares it seems. Now that show was a laugh.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q.. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q.. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.

With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells Elton "your turn".

Elton bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings"

Paddy has just got his 2nd question right on who wants to be a millionaire and he’s now on £200.

Here is the 3rd question:- Who was the great train robber?


Was it:-



a) Ronnie Briggs.



b) Ronnie Barker.



c) Ronnie Parker.



d) Ronnie Wood.


Paddy says “Well Chris, I’ve had a lovely time and I’m going to take the £200.” Chris says “Are you f*cking stupid? You have all your life lines left.”



Paddy says “I might be stupid but I’m not a f*cking grass”!!!!

Paddy was right to quit because non of the above answers are correct

^ Gotta blame Chris Tarrant for that one, he always struck me as a man who talked out the side of his mouth. A southerner as well, shameful!!

Wasn't it Ronnie Biggs?

My gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple.

Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.

^ ^
Yes, Ronnie Briggs was an Irish footballer

I'm quite surprised at the short amount of time, "Oh, you're so funny! I just love a man with a great sense of humour!"

changes to:

"What the fuck is wrong with you?! Is everything a fucking joke to you?!" in my relationships.

^Gotta love it...

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London .

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam