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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #2026
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    While walking through the bread aisle in the supermarket , I thought I saw a bread named after you but on closer inspection it said thick cut.

  2. #2027
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    Someone once told me Sarcasm will get you nowhere.
    Well it got me to the finals of ''international sarcasm '' held in Santiago, Chile.
    Really ,he said.
    No, I replied.

  3. #2028
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ozcol View Post
    While walking through the bread aisle in the supermarket , I thought I saw a bread named after you but on closer inspection it said thick cut.
    Talking bread, my my, whatever will they think of next.

  4. #2029
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    ^^ 'Kin ell Jamie, was just going to post that one!

  5. #2030
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    Too late

  6. #2031
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    Quote Originally Posted by jamiejambos View Post
    Too late
    Late is relative. If you go back far enough in this thread you will find that....

  7. #2032
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    Haven't got the time , unlike some people, What would be the point.?

  8. #2033
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    You can now get '' Viagra '' in Nasal spray form.
    Its for Dickheads.

  9. #2034
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    A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington , DC .
    Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
    "Terrorists have kidnapped the ENTIRE US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
    "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
    The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
    A tray full of GOLD is not worth a moment in time.

  10. #2035
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    Found on www:

    Kama Sutra position #52:

    Doing her doggie style.
    When you're about to cum, withdraw condom from organ and SPIT on her back! She turns around and you blow your load into her face. Try to aim for the eye!
    Then point to her eye and say: "EYE CUM".

  11. #2036
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    ^Also known as "Stealth Bukkake Without Goggles"...

  12. #2037
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    Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

    Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

    He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

    I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

    The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

    Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

    "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

    "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

  13. #2038
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    Quote Originally Posted by jamiejambos View Post
    You can now get '' Viagra '' in Nasal spray form.
    Its for Dickheads.
    Viagra eye-drops are good, too.

    They make you look well hard.

  14. #2039
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    My wife has informed me she is leaving me for my best mate.

    To be fair, he was just a mate until she told me.

  15. #2040
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    A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so happy?"

    The groom replies, "I just had the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

    The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so happy?"

    The bride replies, "I just gave the last blowjob of my entire life."

  16. #2041
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    When I married the wife, my father in law promised me 4 rai of land and a cow.

    I'm still waiting for the land.

  17. #2042
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    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

    "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

    "Morris Feinberg," he replied.

    "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

    "For about 60 years."

    "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

    "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

    "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

    "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

    "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

    "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

    "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

  18. #2043
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    Songtaew going down the street.
    It passes a sign by the side of the road that says 50.
    So it stopped and 8 got out.

  19. #2044
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    My team were playing Burnley in the FA Cup so I bought a ticket and drove up. When I got to the quaint Lancastrian town I couldn't find the stadium so pulled up and asked a local man, "How do you get to the football ground ?"
    He looked at me like I was an idiot and replied, "My brother takes me."

    Cheers

  20. #2045
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    John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a major car crash.

    When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:

    "I've got good news and bad news.....the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"

    John screams "What the fook is the good news then?"

    "Your cock is 6" longer and you are top of the fookin' housing list”.

  21. #2046
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    Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

    This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

    She replied, "Probably golfing with his mates."

  22. #2047
    Thailand Expat Latindancer's Avatar
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    An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
    Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
    To his delight, he realized she was without panties.

    She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

    "Yes, I'm sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.

    "It's quite all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
    Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.

    The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

    "I can also make it wink," she replied. The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

    "Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked : "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

    Stunned, he asked, "You're shittin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?"

    It's tough gettin’ old.

  23. #2048
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  24. #2049
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    Yorkshire chat up line.

    Tha might not be the best looking bird but...Beauty is only a light switch away.

    Tha body reminds me of a spanner...Every time I see thee, me nuts tighten up.

    Does tha fart? Cos tha blows me away.

    Is thee mam and dad retarded? Cos tha's special.
    Last edited by charleyboy; 04-04-2014 at 08:40 AM.

  25. #2050
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    A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
    They are at the pearly gates waiting to enter into heaven.

    St. Peter asks the first girl, 'Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
    She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'
    St. Peter says,'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

    He then asks the next girl the same question, 'Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
    The girl is a little reluctant but replies,'Well, once I fondled and stroked one. '
    St. Peter says,'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

    SUDDENLY, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
    When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, 'Agatha! What seems to be the rush?'
    The girl replies, 'Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water........
    I want to do it before Brenda sticks her arse in it.

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