Thread: Quick Jokes

health class, teacher says "class, i'd like some of you to use the word contagious in a sentence."

mary sticks up her hand...teach says "go ahead mary"...mary says "we were camping last summer and my friend got poison ivy, but my dad said it wasn't contagious. "

"very good, mary....who's next?"

frankie sticks up his hand, teach says "go ahead frankie." frankie says "my little brother caught the mumps last year and my mom said it's real contagious."

very good frankie....who's next?"

from the back row, little johnnie is waving his arm frantically. with obvious reservation, teach says "ok, johnnie...go ahead if you must."

little johnnie says "last winter, my mom was shovelling snow and a big snowdrift slid off the roof and landed right on top of her. "

teach says "well, that's very interesting, johnnie, but you never used the word contagious. "

little johnnie shoots back "oh, yeah, i forgeot....my dad was looking out the window laughing, he said "it'll take that kunt ages to get outta' there."".

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling." To the Chinese guy,"You're in charge of supplies."
He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it!?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells..."Supplies!"

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best
linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to
make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference
between ‘complete’ and‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong
woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’”

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

INTERESTING OBSERVATION .......






1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is SOCCER.








2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BASKETBALL.










3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY.






4 The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.





5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.




And....




6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.There must be a ton of people in the Government playing.....



Marbles !!!!

Originally Posted by Chittychangchang

My wife just walked in on me watching "Menstrual Lesbian Babes" on the internet.

There were red faces all round.

reminds me of when i was a kid and my gramma caught me in bed with a chicken.

i had egg on my face that day, i'll tell you.....

After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup the team captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a cardiologist on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

His cell door slams shut behind him and the lights go out, Rolf puts his head in his hands and begins to cry when a voice from above sings, "Do you think I would leave you crying when there's room in my bunk for two...?"

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...because we're going back down the track."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train .... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay.....see the bitch in the kitchen...."

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach in australia -
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you were better looking it would lift itself."

Mummy takes her young son to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.

"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, son, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.

A week later daddy takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mummy said it was nothing."

"Well, your mother's spoiled son!"

Being a whiskey drinker is a bit like being a priest.

You know you should be going after the older ones, but the 12 year olds are easier to get hold of.

A little Scottish humour (and advice)!
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?


The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes
home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband arrives home intoxicated, take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water.
I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret.
The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick…"

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals
descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last
night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

The directors of the company were called in to a chairman’s office one by one until only the newest, most junior executive was left sitting nervously outside.

Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.

He entered the office to find the chairman and the other eight directors seated solemnly around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did. As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to the young man and asked,

“Have you ever slept with Miss Floyd, my secretary?”

“No, certainly not.”

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Absolutely! I’ve never laid a finger on her.”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never slept with your secretary.”

“Good. Then you fire her.”

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...back and forth..... in and out.......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay! I can’t park the car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Chang or Leo?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I dig,we dig,he digs ,she digs, they dig,
I now it's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep !

Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the telly....
Who shall I say is calling?"

Life


This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent times...


"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . .

It's women who make it hard."

Originally Posted by nora tittoff

Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the telly....
Who shall I say is calling?"

phone rings in the middle of the night, guy rolls over and answers.

"WHAT?! HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW!! PHONE THE WEATHER OFFICE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!"

wife wakes up and asks "who was that, dear?"

hubby says "some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."

Women's response to .

2 inches - I can't even hold it.

3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied

4 inches- I've had bigger than it ...

5 inches- Good, but I wish a bit bigger!

6 inches- perfect.

7 inches- Love it.

8 inches - Wow!, but cant have it all.

9 inches - Painful but manageable.

10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.





This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches.
But I love the way you think!

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."