^ now that's funny... :)
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^ now that's funny... :)
Top tip...
Reduce the risk of night time fire by soaking all your furniture with a hosepipe before you go to bed!
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighborhood. So, I tore out my alarm system and cancelled my membership of our local Neighborhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its center.
Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I've never felt safer.
All Thanks to Allah.
During a particularly rough day at sea one of the female passengers noted that the table cloths at dinner were wet. No one at her table knew why, so she asked the steward. He told he that that they wet the table cloths to prevent the plates falling off the table in rough weather.Quote:
Originally Posted by charleyboy
To which she replied "That's I good idea perhaps I should wet my bed tonight to stop me falling out"
We should be thankful for small mercies I suppose.Quote:
Originally Posted by BaitongBoy
So... do you have any jokes Koojo..? :rolleyes:
^Probably the shaggy dog variety...
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's
have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at
its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put
him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because
he's heavy," said the vet.
Out to lunch one day, a couple immigrants were having a fine time
until Hymie began to gag. "I---I think I svallowed a bone," Hymie
gasped. "Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?" "No, dammit, I'm
serious!"
I walked past the greengrocers the other day and there was a sign
'Cucumbers, loose, 75p'
I thought I'll get one for the Mrs as that's her size.
Neo goes to the doctor with a carrot up his arse, and a parsnip in his ear,Quote:
Originally Posted by Neo
the doc said, “clearly you’re not eating properly.”
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face,Quote:
Originally Posted by Neo
no one cares about your workout.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together,Quote:
Originally Posted by Neo
but only one of them knows.
First one was quite good... nice effort :smilie_clap:
Paddy is taking his oral exam for his tractor trailer driving license:
Examiner: Okay Paddy your heading down a steep hill with a trailer loaded with aviation fuel, your engine quits and your brakes are inoperable. Your co driver, Shamus is asleep in the bunk behind you..What would you do?
Paddy: I would wake Shamus.
Examiner: Okay, why?
Paddy: Well I would not want him to miss one bejesus hell of a crash!
Paddy goes for a job, the interviewer ask him his full name.
He says, Patrick O'Reilly, the interveiwer asks him how he spells O'Reilly
Paddy says, ah fuck your job.
Muhommad heard one of his wives was leaving so he rushed home to find her all packed and sitting by the door, he asked her why she wanted to leave and was told she had heard the other wives call him a paedophile, he replied " My thats a big word for a 6 year old.
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb ?.............A Brazilian.
A Professor of history was on a walking tour in the country, and stopped at a village pub.
Sat at the bar was a yokel with his dog.
Wishing to be friendly, the Professor said "That's a fine looking dog, what's he called?"
"I calls 'n Roger Bacon"
The Professor is intrigued that a yokel should have named his dog after a great English philosopher, and asks "Why did you call him that?"
" Cos 'e fooks pigs."
Two ThaiVisa moderators sat in the TV bar in Bangkok. One says "you know why I like fucking 24 year old's best?" The other says "because there's 20 of them?"
Chazza's top tip...
Avoid having to do a single day's work in your life by simply wooing and marrying a queen!
A teacher asked the class to give him a sentence with the word "contagious" in it, so little Jimmy put his hand up.
He said "Sir. My dad was watching our next door neighbour paint his garden fence and he said 'Look at that idiot using a two inch brush. It'll take the contagious.'"
Working on the Mother in laws grave today,
she thinks it's a pond I'm digging.
There were a couple of girls banging on my bedroom door all last night,
I had to let them out eventually.
I ate a ploughmans lunch at the weekend,
he didn't look too happy about it.
I turned up at nets wearing Cricket gear,
and the ball smashed my Buddy Holly glasses
I was always taking notes at my last job,
but then they checked the till.
How do you confuse a Scottish Doctor?
tell him you have 'knee problems'.
How do you get a Pikey to take a bath?,
leave it in your front garden.
(speaking of which, whatever happened to our resident pikey?)
Douglas Engelbart, the inventor of the mouse has died,
what vision, to know we'd need one hand free while at the computer.
I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hi-jacking,
we just shot the pilot.
I'd like to defend a penguin in court just to say,
"Your Honour, my client is clearly not a flight risk."
It was '2 for the price of 1' at the Vet's today ,
although my other pet didn't really need putting down.
Good one, Koojo.
Koojo, you didn't spend any time in the sun today did you?
Must not of or you would have POPPED>
CORNY.
^ have...:)
:yup: :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Koojo
Something to brighten up your day.....
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
AND
5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill
The doctor checks him over and says, We'll have to do some blood tests.
A day later the doctor rings him with the results.
'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320
Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? Do you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'F##k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!!
FFS, SOMEONE doesn't understand the concept of 'quick' jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by kmart
Now I'm going to have to red snakeeyes and she's not going to be pleased about it.
Just learn to read faster.... Then it will be a quick joke.