Get ya coat :D
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Get ya coat :D
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
The wife & I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well when the train we were travelling on, broke down a few miles North of the capital. What a third world shit-hole! Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us & the Mrs stood out in her sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas. We are so dead I thought !!!
Anyway,Dave the organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station,
so we were able to get safely to Kings Cross & then catch our flight on to Kabul from Heathrow.
TO WHOM DOES THE LAND OF ISRAEL BELONG???
An Israeli with a good sense of humour set the record straight at the
United Nations.
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the
United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began:
'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses:
When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, "What
a good opportunity to have a bath!"
Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A
Palestinian had stolen
them!
The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up and shouted furiously,
"What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."
The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made
that clear, I will begin my speech."
History of the Condom
In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two but it’s kind of cramped.
"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.
Kenneth Williams relates in his book the tale of a Vicar on his way to Bournemouth in a railway compartment with a troupe of young ladies and their older manageress on they way to take up parts in a panto.
He offers his bag of acid drops around and they talk about which rôles they like to play.
One girl says she likes being Alladin, another playing Babes in the Wood, another Dick Whittington. "And who takes Dick ?" asks the Vicar.
"We all do, dear" says the manageress, "but not for acid drops."
Father Doolan saw Mary crying after mass and asked her what was wrong.
“My husband passed away last night,” she sobbed.
“That’s awful,” said the priest, “Did he have any last requests?”
“He did,” she replied. “He said ‘Please put the gun down Mary!
Thanks to the Pistorius verdict, millions of South African women are shitting themselves....
...instead of using the toilet.
Here are some of my favorites, I decided not to post the offensive ones.
A guy goes to the bar, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"
His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"
"No, I couldn't find her head."
----
What do broccoli and anal sex have in common?
If you don't like being forced to have it as a child, you'll hate it as an adult.
----
How can you tell if it's time to do the dishes?
Look down your pants, if there's a penis, it's not time.
----
What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock?
You can't fuck a rock.
----
Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating c*nt once in a while too.
----
What would Princess Di be doing if she were alive today?
Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
----
What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
----
What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.
----
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up a girl's ass.
Are you sure about that?Quote:
Originally Posted by Your name here
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. Seamus
shook his head and asked,
"Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"
"Do What?" asked Mick.
"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t’e
bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin',
snowin', hailin' .. .. ..why would they torture themselves like that?"
"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "you know the winner gets
about a half a million Euros?"
"Yeah, I understand that" said Seamus, "but why do all the others do it?"
A guy is driving around the back woods of Australia and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told ASIO. 'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be listening.
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals. 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a bull shit artist... He's never been out of the yard.'
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Ah, lemon curd! I see you've got someQuote:
Originally Posted by KoojoAre you sure about that?Quote:
Originally Posted by Your name here
Now bend over!' said Holmes 'and put lots on'
'But, Holmes, I'm quite sore
Pray, what IS it for?'
'A lemon entry, my dear Watson'
Business man travelling in First Class and a sexy, gorgeous air hostess:
Business Man: What is your name ?
Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir.
Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?
Hostess: Yes Sir.
Business Man: How?
Hostess: Same price.
Thats so fucking funny I LOLd all day. did you get it out of some '60s joke book?Quote:
Originally Posted by CNF55
Worst thing about dating fat chicks...When you take their bra off, all the crumbs drop out.
A Poem About Tomatoes
I know a Jihadist whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these buggers do, 'coz they're still in the
tin
It's always disappointing when you open a tin of evaporated milk and find it's not empty.
I jumped in a Black Cab just now and said, "Waterloo, please mate."
He said, "The station?"
I replied, "Well I'm a bit late for the fucking battle!"
While stitching a cut on the hand of an old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with him.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles' : when you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb-arse put him up there to begin with.”
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.
Q: What's the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I dunno, but their flag is a huge plus.
Two flies are sitting on a pile of steaming shit. One fly farts.
The other fly says, "Do you mind? I'm eating.
"Things you'll never hear a woman say:
"My, what an attractive scrotum!"
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste,
a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza.
The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"
Sarcastically the guy sneers, "Maybe. How'd you guess?"
She replies, "Because you're ugly."
My thai friends told me this one in thai. The translation I've provided for free;
Question: Why do thai guys like thai whores with white skin?
Answer: Because they have a dark skinned one at home and it's their duty to fuck her.
^ Is that a joke or a statement?
Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but
did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the
back?
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,
silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled
approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled
up?
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a
crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and
excited, .....
"Check the garage."
A farmer in Yorkshire sees a man drinking from his stream,
So he shouts ,
“Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer,
Its full O hoss piss an cow shite an it could kill thee”
The man says: "Excuse me Sir, I am a Muslim from Pakistan ,
Could you be speaking much clearer and slower please”
The farmer replies:
" If....You.... Use.... Two ....Hands...... You....Wont.... Spill ......Any"
Guy goes to a counselor and says
"You Gotta help me. Last night I got so drunk I Blew Chunks".
The counselor asked "How long have you had this drinking problem ?".
The guy said. "You don't understand doc, Chunks is my dog".
A friend just returned from a trip to West Africa and now he can't stop buying raffle tickets...
...we are concerned that he may have contracted Tombola.
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
If innuendos were made illegal, I'd definitely be going down.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
^ post # 13771
https://teakdoor.com/famous-threads/9...e-net-345.html
I shall cover myself in sackcloth and ashes, and beat myself to within 2.54cm of my life.