If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
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If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
A Yorkshireman with piles asks the local pharmacist
"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
the pharmacist replies
"certainly sir , Magnum or Cornetto?"
I wanted to surprise my friends attending this year’s Premature Ejaculation Society Annual Ball by decorating the hall before they all arrived. Unfortunately, everyone came early.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff!
I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.
I often confuse Americans and Australians.
By using long words.”
Trump’s nothing like Hitler.
There’s no way he could write a book
I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it's awkward.
I got asked the other day if I Liked the music of Ariana Grande, which surprised me as I thought that was a type of coffee
Ruddy hell! £1 for air at the petrol station, last time I used the tyre pumps it was 20p!
I guess that's inflation for you!
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm - 9.15pm so I can't.
What'sPope's favorite Mexican sauce Holy Molle
I've never pretended that I'm a Saint.. (or a Dr)Quote:
Originally Posted by david44
Sorry Wholly Mole, I misheard from the Mexican firefighting twins Jose and
Hose B
my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
90% of married life consists of yelling “what?” from other rooms
wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning, “Windows frozen, won’t open.” The husband texts back, “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and tap the edges with a hammer.” The wife texts back five minutes later, “Computer really messed up now.”
Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she was going to leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a believer,” but then I saw her face.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PQAqprjOuA
One spelling mistake can ruin your marriage. I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a great time. I wish you were her
Quote:
Originally Posted by Molle
Don’t forget published author. I bet you haven’t pretended to be one of them either, eh Mau?
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster - but it just made it more sluggish.
That was you wasn't itQuote:
Originally Posted by DrWilly
Ha ha. Tax cracked a funny. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by taxexile
Go on. Crack a funny armo. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by armstrong
There's two fish in a tank, right.Quote:
Originally Posted by BLD
One turns to the other and says "I'll drive, you man the guns".
There are two penguins on an ice floe, drifting north into warmer waters.
These penguins are very fond of each other, but they don’t speak English very well. Suddenly, with a terrific crack, the ice floe splits in half, right between the penguins.
As they begin drifting apart, one penguin sadly waves a flipper and calls out, “Chocolate milk!”
how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
On the other hand, you have different fingers
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
What do you call a nose without a body?
No body nose
A lady goes to the doctor with a bee up her fanny.
The doctor thinks, then says "I'll rub honey on my dick and stick it in. When the bee smells it, I'll pull it out and the bee'll follow."
The doctor starts and the woman begins to moan. He starts going faster and harder and the woman yells "What the hell are you doing?"
Doctor says "Change of plan. I'll drown the bastard."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Willy.
Willy who?
Willy want to see you naked.
Oh look.Quote:
Originally Posted by DrWilly
He's 'triggered'.
:rolleyes:
Oh look.
You're about a month late.
Ridiculous, petty old man.
It's been 7 days. What calender are you using? We call it a "week" in English.Quote:
Originally Posted by DrWilly
Wilma's also at least five years older than me.
What a dick.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyrille
:rolleyes:
The key adverbs being ridiculous and petty.
Neither of those are adverbs.Quote:
Originally Posted by DrWilly
This is so embarrassing for you.
Due to his developmental disorder, Willy's incapable of embarrassment. And the narcissism on top of that makes him always right, in his mind.
Really? Link please.
Exhibit AQuote:
Originally Posted by DrWilly
Fucking hilarious.NotQuote:
Originally Posted by armstrong