Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by Cujo

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Blah Blah Blah Genie Blah Blah Blah "I didn't say twelve inch pianist" etc.

The old ones are the best eh.

Paddy is walking along the beach and finds a lamp etc etc, ....genie says he's got two wishes only.
Paddy thinks hard and asks for a never-emptying bottle of Guiness.
Poof! A bottle of Guiness appears in his hand.
Paddy tests it out and chugs the bottle down whereupon it promptly filled up again.
"Tats noice tat is."
"And what do you want for your second wish?" asks the genie.
"Woil, tat bottle o' stout is pretty good, so I reckon Oi'l have me anoder one o' dem."


Cue groans, some of which are sure to be at Paddy's accent. I just can't do accents.

A bloke finds a lamp and gives it a rub.. a genie appears and grants him one wish.

He says "I wish my dick would touch the ground" and his legs fell off.

I didn't realise Zimbabwe's Pres. Mugabee was from Yorkshire until I read his name backwards.

What's Italian for "fog".

Bigamist

What's the definition of a 16 year old boy.

A life support system for an erection.

Originally Posted by Neo

A bloke finds a lamp and gives it a rub.. a genie appears and grants him one wish.

He says "I wish my dick would touch the ground" and his legs fell off.

What do you call a man with a 1 inch penis?

Justin.

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

Originally Posted by Neo

A bloke finds a lamp and gives it a rub.. a genie appears and grants him one wish.

He says "I wish my dick would touch the ground" and his legs fell off.

What do you call a man with a 1 inch penis?

Justin.

What do you call a man with a 12 inch penis hanging out of his flies?

Lucian

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Nothing, it's not going to come when you call it.

What's fat and pink and hangs out your Y-fronts.? Your mum.



What's difference between your mum and a Kit-Kat? You only get four fingers in a Kit-Kat

^ OMG.



What's long and pink and lies on the bottom of the ocean ?

Moby's dick.

Friend of mine has been diagnosed with prostrate cancer

He says he won't take it lying down..

When I went for my last checkup I was surprised to have a finger shoved up my arse.

It's not what I expect from any dentist.

Originally Posted by Latindancer

^ OMG.

I knew it, LD's a teenage girl.

What's the difference between broccoli on your dinner plate and pubic hair?

Nothing.

You have to push both aside to keep eating.

My Jewish friend was saying he didn't think the Jews would ever escape Prejudiced Stereotypes.
I said 'Don't talk like that.'
He said 'No I'm serious'
I replied "No, I'M serious - don't talk like that - it's fucking whiney"

Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat, eventually someone will piss you off

Jewish bloke found dead in a pay as you leave car park.

Smacked the missus on the arse last night.
"into the bedroom with you wench" I said.
She giggled "Oh you horny devil"
"No, seriously" I said. "fuck off, the footy's about to start."


Teacher says to little Tommy '' Why have you brought your cat to school today?''
Tommy answers '' Well miss, this morning i overheard my dad say to mum '' I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave'', so i'm saving him."

I woke up this morning at 8 and I just knew something was wrong. Got downstairs and the Wife was face down on the Kitchen floor, not breathing. I panicked, didn't know what to do.... ....then I remembered McDonald's serve breakfast until 10:30.

I've decided not to award any Christmas bonuses to my Muslim employees this year. I will only be awarding them to the non Muslims.
This is for the same reason that we have been made to take down all our christmas decorations at work.

It's just far to Christmasy for them. And they may get offended by it.

Two abo's in the pub in Darwin.
One says to the other
"You know how when you fuck a white woman and you get all teary eyed and your nose runs and that?"
"Yeah" his mate says.
"What's that all about?" he says.
"I think it's the pepper spray bro" his mate replies.

Originally Posted by Cujo

I've decided not to award any Christmas bonuses to my Muslim employees this year. I will only be awarding them to the non Muslims.
This is for the same reason that we have been made to take down all our christmas decorations at work.

It's just far to Christmasy for them. And they may get offended by it.

How is that a joke?

^ Humour is subjective.

Pity you don't see that with other peoples' jokes.

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'