Thread: Quick Jokes

I thought about retraining as a history teacher.

But there's no future in it.

I asked the librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

I asked the librarian if she had a book about paranoia. She whispered "they're right behind you".

That book about anti-gravity is impossible to put down.


A book fell on the librarian’s head—she only had her shelf to blame.

It’s not the best ceiling I’ve ever seen, but it’s up there.

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

A Yorkshireman with piles asks the local pharmacist

"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

the pharmacist replies

"certainly sir , Magnum or Cornetto?"

I wanted to surprise my friends attending this year’s Premature Ejaculation Society Annual Ball by decorating the hall before they all arrived. Unfortunately, everyone came early.

What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?












A: Ruff!

I often confuse Americans and Australians.

By using long words.”


Trump’s nothing like Hitler.

There’s no way he could write a book

I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it's awkward.

I got asked the other day if I Liked the music of Ariana Grande, which surprised me as I thought that was a type of coffee

Ruddy hell! £1 for air at the petrol station, last time I used the tyre pumps it was 20p!

I guess that's inflation for you!

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm - 9.15pm so I can't.

What'sPope's favorite Mexican sauce Holy Molle

Sorry Wholly Mole, I misheard from the Mexican firefighting twins Jose and

















Hose B

my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

90% of married life consists of yelling “what?” from other rooms

wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning, “Windows frozen, won’t open.” The husband texts back, “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and tap the edges with a hammer.” The wife texts back five minutes later, “Computer really messed up now.”

Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she was going to leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a believer,” but then I saw her face.

One spelling mistake can ruin your marriage. I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a great time. I wish you were her

Originally Posted by Molle

I've never pretended that I'm a Saint.. (or a Dr)

Don’t forget published author. I bet you haven’t pretended to be one of them either, eh Mau?

I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster - but it just made it more sluggish.