Breaking: A gang has been caught making counterfeit Kipling Bakewell tarts. Police say they're exceedingly good fakes.
Breaking: A gang has been caught making counterfeit Kipling Bakewell tarts. Police say they're exceedingly good fakes.
If I got 50p for every time I failed in maths, I'd have £3.30 now.
So, it seems we were all wrong in 2015 when we answered the question "Where do you expect to be in 5 years' time?"
What happened to Gandhi, he only made one film!
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, "Wow! That could have been me!"
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus
Last edited by Ukan Kizmiaz; 29-05-2020 at 07:44 PM.
Morty: Hey Saul there's this new restaurant.
Saul: What about it?
Morty: For 10 bucks you get a beer, a sandwich, and you get laid!
Saul: Have you ever been there?
Morty: No, but my sister has.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener!
My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
A man goes into a Library and asks for a book on cliffhangers.
The librarian says.
The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast
honouring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
She: I've been unfaithful
He: Me too
She: He he, April 1
He: November 5
I heard the B&Q were reopening after lockdown, but I thought it might be a bit busy, so I phoned them up and asked "How big is the queue?".
They said "The same size as the B".
Facetube reminded me this joke is eight years old. So in case you missed it:
Rolf Harris was in Tesco when a little old woman asked "Are you that bloke who did Two Little Boys in the 70's?". "No" he replied, "that was Gary Glitter".
A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”
You know you are getting old when you pass a Priest then a Imam in the street and neither looks at you.
At a wedding in Glasgow I commented in a whisper to the guy next to me, "Blimey the bride's an ugly dog!"
"Do you mind, that's my daughter you're talking about."
Sorry mate, I didn't know you were her father.
"I'm not, I'm her fcuking ma!"
Remember, in English, Read rhymes with Lead, but Read rhymes with Lead.
I applied for a job with a sunscreen company.
I didn't get it though, they said I hadn't covered things well enough.
They suggested I reapply.
I have a most loving wife, last night I woke up and she was holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from Covid-19.
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but...Look at what kids your age make in China!"
My son asked me, "Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a bit confused, stared at me for a few seconds then asked, "And Tigger?"
This girl said to me "Do you prefer breasts or legs"?
I said "Well actually I like a bit of anal and finishing with a pearl necklace".
Apparently I'm not allowed in KFC any more.
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