Thread: Quick Jokes

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

I was at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.
She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”
I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen.”
She said, “I sure do."
I said, “ Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
My dental surgery is on Monday

Originally Posted by toslti

I was at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.
She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”
I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen.”
She said, “I sure do."
I said, “ Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
My dental surgery is on Monday

My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday.

Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

What's the difference between a Taliban training base and a Pakistani primary school?

I don't know, I just fly the drones.

^

Two members of the theatrical profession meet after the marriage of one of them. The unmarried one says archly "and how was your wedding night, ducky ?"

The other responds "three performances and a rehearsal".

"Hmmmm" says the first one " what's a rehearsal ?"

"Oh" says the other, "basically the same as a performance, but nobody comes".

Originally Posted by nidhogg

My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday.

Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

ouch!

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning;
"Windows frozen, won't open.”

Husband texts back;
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later;
"Computer really stuffed now."

lesbian vampire after date ...they say see you next month^^

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Anuvva very old sickie:


Q.What do you get when you cross a negro with an Asian?

A. A car thief that cannot drive.

Ba boom..

Somebody called me "pretentious" today. I nearly choked on my Chestnut Praline Latte.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown..

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ....
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over.

You've posted them before.

^
First time I've read 'em.
Green sent to Can.

His GREENS are in the CAN.

Originally Posted by kingwilly

You've posted them before.

No, I haven't ! Go and comb your face or eat a banana. Learn to pay attention.

Can... I don't think that all those jokes are allowed on one page.

Next time, can you spread them about a little.

Dawg will be pissed when he gets up...

Originally Posted by BaitongBoy

Dawg will be pissed when he gets up...

Well they are short and they are funny.

I particularly liked.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

But I think I'll go and red Snakeeyes anyway.

Beware of Your Doctor Uttering These Phrases During Surgery

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
...and could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint. However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.