Thread: Quick Jokes

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

My mate Paddy just called and said hes got a bargain in Harrods. He said he bought an £1800 coat for £25.

Paddy said the label stated that it was slightly imperfect but he had a good look over it and all he could find wrong was that one of the sleeves was 1 cm shorter than the other two.

The very best teller of off-colour jokes?...... A standup chameleon

A man walked into bar,it was an iron bar

^ A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

A duck waddles into a drug store and asks for a tube of Chapstick.
The clerk says "That will be 89 cents, cash or charge?"
The duck replies "put it on my bill".

A man goes into a chemist and asks for some condoms.

The chemist says "We haven't got any, have you tried Boots?".

He says "I want to fuck her, not kick her".

Apparently the Guardian newspaper is going to hire Pippa Middleton as their Style correspondent.

Which just goes to show you that if you work hard and get a top Journalism Degree, you'll lose your dream job to a woman whose sister married a fucking prince.

As of today I firmly believe in the words of the Prophet Muhammed.

I went into the local mosque to see what it was all about.

The Immam came over and placed his hands on mine and said that By the will of Allah the Almighty and the Prophet Muhammed, today you will walk.

I replied that I wasn't disabled.

He came back and laid his hands on me and said the same things. Again I told him I wasn't paralyzed and that there was nothing wrong with me.

After the prayers I went outside and lo and behold my car had been stolen.

Husbands, cheer yourselfs up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and fuck off!

The inventor of predictive text has died.


His funfair will be hello on Sundial !

Originally Posted by toslti

The inventor of predictive text has died.


His funfair will be hello on Sundial !

Bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer yesterday. Have no idea what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.

Just seen a Gay advent calendar.
It's only got back doors!

How can you tell if your dad's been f***ing your sister up the a$$?
His dick tastes like $hit.

I rang SeaWorld today and was put on hold. They said the call may be recorded for training porpoises.

I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the Ebola outbreak, but my Anti-Virus software wouldn't let me

Yesterday I saw dishevelled hairy old tramp recycling putrefying rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your crap record this time.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans… walk into a fine restaurant.

“I’m sorry” says the maître d’, after scrutinizing the group. “But you can’t come in here without a Thai”.

Pam asks her husband at breakfast time, "John would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some Grapefruit juice and coffee?"
John declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, Pam asks if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines again. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and fries with some scrumptious apple pie with cream? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well”, Pam said “Would you let me get up ‘coz I'm f..kin’ starving?"

Originally Posted by toslti

The very best teller of off-colour jokes?...... A standup chameleon

I put my chameleon on my girlfriend's pink dildo.

He blushed.

^ Groan.
( oh, and this thread is 'quick jokes' now I'm going to have to red snakeeyes)