Thread: Quick Jokes

TD makes me feel smart sometimes.

^I learned valving from TD...

The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended. I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.

Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.
8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.
9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

i can have more laughs with animals than that lot.

Yep agreed, crock of shite.

Oscar pistorius is trying to hire Celtics legal team.

They lost both legs and still got a result!

I've been keeping a count of the prostitutes I've been sleeping with.

Tally ho.

I witnessed absolutely disgusting behaviour on the sea front at Skegness yesterday. Saw a man and woman having an almighty argument in front of a load of kids. ...Suddenly the woman smacked the guy on the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took out his baton to the man. The guy managed to snatch it off him and began to assault the copper and his wife.
Then, out of nowhere, a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages

Late in the night he regained consciousness...

He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he'd obviously been in a very serious accident.

Seeing he was awake, the nurse gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble a reply.

"Can I feel your tits, then?"

Following huge success with Mistletoe and Wine, Cliff has decided to up his game with Rohypnol and Harribo.

Had to laugh, just called in the bank and this woman behind the counter started singing
'" Downtown. "
I thought, what a peculiar clerk!

Girlfriends just found out I've swapped our bed for a trampoline ...
She's hit the fookin' roof!

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Following huge success with Mistletoe and Wine, Cliff has decided to up his game with Rohypnol and Harribo.

Christmas time,
Young kids and wine
Pedos singing in Christian rhyme
With logs on the table
And gifts made of pee
A time to rejoice in the nonce that is me.

Could be a Christmas No.1

I learned so much from all my mistakes, I think I will make some more.

if this has been posted before - too bad

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."

I thought it was a seaside tragedy when I saw the headline.....'Young boy tossed off Cliff'

Just goes to show you never know what dangers are lurking in the shadows

Can't believe Cliff is still hiding in Portugal. Why doesn't he come back to face the music?

''We're all going on a summer holiday''

''The Young Ones''

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh...!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the
celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the
turn of last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good
condition....?



"...Sticks....?" Paddy replied.

My sexy Thai neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she
wanted to rent her spare room out!

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen.

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder....

1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion,
but the Indian High Commission in London , has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he's won a corner shop, a petrol station,
a curry restaurant, a taxi cab or a motel in the United Kingdom .
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with computer technical support.