Thread: Quick Jokes

What's the difference between an old whore and a new one?






A new one will use KY jelly and an old one will use Polly Grip.

My wife has told me that she has quit smoking.
To see if she's telling the truth, I've gone to work & left the gas on.

My new German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten when we have sex. Last night, for example I shoved it right up her arse. She yelled "NINE-NINE!". Result, my best score yet.

100 men were asked why they liked blow jobs so much.
5 said it was the warmth
5 said it was the sensation.
90 said it was the peace and quiet.

My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes for Christmas from the internet. I asked him which web site he saw them on and he replied 'Google Earth'

My missus decided to wear a burka for a week , just to see what the public reaction would be .The first morning she was sworn at , punched on the nose , kicked up the arse and received death threats ,,,, Who knows whats going to happen when she leaves the house ..

Last night my wife wanted us both to fantasize we were different people
when we fucked each other she said she wanted me to be George Clooney,
I said ok but for some reason she stormed out of the bedroom when I asked
her to be the hot little 18 year old office junior that goes for the sandwiches at work.

This supposedly really happened on a TV station in Michigan.
A large snow storm was predicted the previous night but DID NOT happen.
The female TV anchor asked the male weatherman:
"...and George what about the nine inches you prommised me last night?"
The TV channel went dark and it had to prodcast commercials for nearly 5 minutes!
Cheers and Happy New Year.
Amina

Chat up lines through the ages


‎1920: "May I have this dance?"

1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?"

1980: "What's your star sign?"

2012: "Here's a picture of my penis."

^ Fukin beauty

Blokes wife asks him if she appears to have put weight. He says, quite rightly, that she does seem to have put a little weight on over the festive period. "have you thought about a little exercise dear?" he asks. " what would you suggests?" she replies. "well, you could walk half a mile in the morning, and half a mile every evening" he says to the wife. "do you think that would help me lose a few pounds?" she asks of hubby.




"dunno about that, but by the end of the week you'd be seven fcukin' miles away ya fat cnut"

Son: Hey Mum, have you seen my bottle of pills marked LSD
Mum: No, but have you seen the fucking dragon in the kitchen

A dapper gent in his mid eighties walked into an upscale cocktail lounge freshly groomed and scented with expensive after-shave. With a boutonniere in the lapel of his charcoal double-breasted suit, he presented quite the debonair image.

Seating himself next to a lovely younger lady in her mid seventies, he offered to buy here a drink and inquired, “So tell me dear, do I come here often?"

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA .


Jonathan Ross has been accused
of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take..

Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration.
‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you’ve sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’

My friend said he likes sneaking into the shower to surprise sex his girlfriend and told me I should try it...

Turns out he meant with my girlfriend.

If women who sleep around too much were labelled "heroes" instead of "sluts", us guys would be having a lot more sex.

Someone fucked up here...

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa

A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache"

Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:
Let's say, You come home from work and find

there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood....

and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.

What do you think you should do ......

Raise the ceilings, or remove the shit?

An oldie, and a bit longer, but one of my favs....


A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man
standing there.

He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'

The next morning they hear a knock and both
run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered
voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;

'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes, actually I have,' she says.

The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using
yours?'