Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by Minnie Maugham

After receiving numerous customer complaints about their employees' ”plumber crack”, a German plumbing firm bought their plumbers new t-shirts, designed to make their employees more attractive to the customers.

^ Txs for locating photos, TizBear.

^Polish no doubt!

:train: :wreck:

Got caught wanking by my Mum today, hell of a time for her to come out of a 3 year coma.

Nice one, Dave.

Originally Posted by OhOh

^Polish no doubt!

she will polish your pipe?

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.

The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.

You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose.
May I call on you tomorrow?'


She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him

hard across the face. He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.


She said 'I looked up beautiful climbing rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said,


"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed.'

These new 3D TVs are so realistic. I fell asleep whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke my bloody wallet was gone

^ 5555

Bought the wife a new perfume called Chloroform, But she says she doesn't like it, It makes her feel sleepy and gives her a sore bum...

THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot.
So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We don't let just anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit? " queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

It's predicted that by 2025, no living person will be more than six feet away from an ex- Chelsea manager!

My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets, can't believe gavisgon

Feel sorry for Roberto Di Matteo being sacked by Chelsea FC. He got home early and found John Terry in bed with his wife.

I went to hospital with a toilet brush up my arse.
The doctor said, "How did this happen?"
I said, "Well I met this bird in a club, one thing led to another and we ended up back at mine..."
He said, "Into the kinky stuff was she?"
I said, "No ... my wife was home".

.................................................. ......

Apparently, I'm not allowed to say "black paint" anymore because it's racist.

Instead I have to be politically correct and say: "Please paint that wall, Tyrone."

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada

A variation on an oldie.....but a goodie

Pastor Brown's phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Is that Pastor Brown?"
"Yes."
"This is the IRS. May I ask if you have a parishioner named Frank Goldwin?"
"Yes, Mr Goldwin is a church member," says the pastor.
"Has he made a $100,000 contribution to your church?"
"No, but he will."

Finally took the new girlfriend home to meet the family last week.
The wife hit the fucking roof.