Quick Jokes

**stuie** · 25-04-2012, 03:25 PM

A girl sends text to her boyfriend
If you are sleeping--------- send me your dreams
If you are laughing---------- send me your smile
If you are crying-------------send me your tears
Boyfriend replies
Im having a shit-------------what do i do
,

**stuie** · 25-04-2012, 03:33 PM

An elderly couple attending mass.
About half-way through the wife leans to her husband and whispers "I just let out a silent fart,what do you think i should do" ? He replied "put a new battery in your hearing-aid"

**stuie** · 25-04-2012, 03:35 PM

Whats the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket ?
A picket snatches watches !!

**crippen** · 25-04-2012, 08:12 PM

From today's Telegraph comments section on an article about the G spot;

"I found my wife's G spot some time ago. Who'd have thought that her sister had it all along......"

**Neo** · 26-04-2012, 01:15 AM

Originally Posted by crippen

From today's Telegraph...

An intellectual gash joke.. very la-de-da.

**stuie** · 26-04-2012, 05:38 PM

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus and think, "im fucking having that"

**Mr Lick** · 01-05-2012, 05:38 PM

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic . It's syncing now .

When chemists die, they barium .

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran .

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can stop any time .

How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it .

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me .

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down .

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

PMS jokes aren't funny, period .

Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations .

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz .

Energizer battery arrested . Charged with battery .

I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me .

How do you make holy water ? Boil the hell out of it !

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?

When you get a bladder infection , urine trouble .

What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds .

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . Then it hit me !

Broken pencils are pointless .

I tried to catch some fog . I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus .

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest .

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes .

Velcro - what a rip off !

Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy .

Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault .

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too .

**Neo** · 02-05-2012, 12:35 AM

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

That's the last time I'm eating my gran's trifle.

**stuie** · 02-05-2012, 11:20 AM

Had to have a mole removed from my penis at the hospital yesterday. The R.S.P.C.A. let me off with a warning this time.

**nidhogg** · 04-05-2012, 05:38 PM

"Barman, a Storm please."

"I'm not familiar with that drink, sir."

"Diet coke and port."

"What kind of port, sir?"

"Any port."

**grumbles1** · 05-05-2012, 11:03 AM

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.

After a while His teacher got worried and asked him about it.

Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small miss.

Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed.

Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?'

Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer".

The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and his eye is fine,

so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief, but the day after that Johnny

comes back with a severe black eye again.

"My goodness Johnny, why the black eye again?"

He tells her: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?...

and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother

started moving, you know at the same time, Mum was breathing erratically,

kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"...

Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?'

Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me.!"

**Mr Lick** · 05-05-2012, 05:26 PM

MY WIFE HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE ON SUNDAY. SILLY COW THOUGHT SHE COULD DO THE VACUUMING WHILE THE RUGBY WAS ON.

JUST BOUGHT THE WIFE SOME CROTCH-LESS KNICKERS FOR HALLOWEEN. NOTHING SEXUAL. JUST GIVES HER A MUCH BETTER GRIP ON HER BROOMSTICK.

MY MATE ALWAYS CRIES AFTER SEX. MIND YOU HE IS IN PRISON.

I TREATED THE WIFE TO ONE OF THOSE FISH PEDICURES THE OTHER DAY. I MUST SAY I'M VERY PLEASED WITH THE RESULTS. THOSE PIRANHAS DON'T MESS ABOUT EH!!

HUMPED MY BEST MATES WIFE LAST NIGHT AND TODAY I FEEL AWFUL......... SHE MUST HAVE HAD THE FLU OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S THE LAST TIME I USE MY SEAN CONNERY ACCENT TO TELL MY WIFE TO SIT ON MY FACE.

AT THE 2012 OLYMPICS THE 100m FINAL WILL BE LIKE ANY OTHER FRIDAY NIGHT IN LONDON . IN THE 100 METRES FINAL YOU WILL HEAR A GUN SHOT FOLLOWED BY EIGHT BLACKS LEGGING IT.

COPS STOP A PAKI IN A TRANSIT VAN ON THE MOTORWAY. COP SAYS YOU DO KNOW THE LIMIT IS 70 DONT YOU. PAKI LOOKS IN THE BACK AND SHOUTS "HEAR THAT. TWO OF YOU WILL HAVE TO GET OUT!!

BOOTS CHEMISTS REPORTED THAT AFTER THE RIOTS AND LOOTING IN LONDON THE ONLY THING LEFT ON THE SHELVES WAS FAKE TAN.

THE BRITISH GOVERMENT HAS REACTED TO WORLDWIDE RIOTING BY SENDING RESCUE VEHICLES TO EVACUATE THE BRITISH CITIZENS. THEY SENT 3 SHIPS TO LIBYA, 2 PLANES TO SOMALIA AND A TAXI TO BIRMINGHAM

**stuie** · 07-05-2012, 12:00 PM

The floods in Thailand were very bad i saw on sky news and the woman they were interviewing said the water came right up to her bollocks.

**stuie** · 07-05-2012, 12:05 PM

St. Peter said to God "hey Boss, one of the hinges on the pearly gates has broken off " ."Dont worry " said God " Jim ll fix it "

**Kwang** · 11-05-2012, 02:27 AM

After a night of drugs, drink and dancing I got pulled over by the police in the early hours of the morning,

As I stumbled out of my car the copper started checking my number plate, got on his radio and said " Charlie, Whiskey, Tango"

I thought "how the fuck does he know what I've been doing tonight" !

**stuie** · 13-05-2012, 07:18 PM

Two elderly bats hanging upside down in a cave. One says to the other "you know what i dread most about old age" "whats that" said his mate. "well incontinence" he replied

**VocalNeal** · 16-05-2012, 11:29 AM

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans... Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

**grumbles1** · 16-05-2012, 01:08 PM

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...' 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

**grumbles1** · 16-05-2012, 01:12 PM

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

**nidhogg** · 16-05-2012, 04:04 PM

Originally Posted by grumbles1

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Sorry, but that butchers the joke. This is the version I prefer:

A journalist goes to Iraq and is surprised to see that the local men allow their wives to walk in front of them. The journalist approaches a local and says, "I thought the custom in Islamic countries was for wives to walk ten paces behind their husbands?"

"It was," replied the local, "But that all changed with the war."

"How did the war change things?" The journalist enquired.

The local replied, "Land mines."

In theme:

I used to go out with a Muslim woman but her views on suicide bombing were too much to take. She eventually went off with someone else.

I went to a Muslim strip club last week, everyone was chanting "show us your face".

**stuie** · 16-05-2012, 04:26 PM

Kid turns up at school with a cat peeping out the top of his satchel. Teacher says' Tommy, why have you got a cat in your bag'. Tommy replies " well i heard the postman telling my mum, when your kids gone to school, im coming back to eat your pussy, so im not taking any chances".

**harrybarracuda** · 22-05-2012, 03:38 PM

Originally Posted by nidhogg

I went to a Muslim strip club last week, everyone was chanting "show us your face".

Two Palestinian ladies shopping in Nablus high street, one says to the other "Does my bomb look big in this?".

Another two were sat down, one was showing the other the family album.

"This is my oldest boy Khalid, he was a martyr. This is my middle one, Mohammed, he was a martyr. This is the youngest, Abdullah, he wants to be a martyr".

The other one says "Oh, they blow up so quickly, don't they?".

**Cujo** · 28-05-2012, 03:38 PM

My son came home and told us that he failed his Biology test.

We asked him "What happened?"

He said there was only one question on the test and it was "Name two things commonly found in cells."

We asked him what the correct answer was.

He said "I don't know but apparently blacks and Mexicans was not the correct answer."

**daveboy** · 29-05-2012, 11:31 PM

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dancefloor giving it large; breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said, " See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said,
"Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!!"

**stuie** · 30-05-2012, 03:43 PM

A man is watching golf on t.v. but keeps changing channels to a dirty movie of a couple having sex.
"i dont know whether to watch the golf or them" he says to the wife.
"for heavens sake" said the wife "you already know how to play golf"

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