Thread: My seven days of shame and pain

I am very sorry to hear about your arse and hope it gets better soon.

How's your chronic constipation doing, Slap?

While I'm loath to berate the better half's parsimonious approach to filling the pantry, Sainsbury's Basics items often both look and taste like they've recently negotiated the digestive tract of a fucking cat,

You really should pay a visit to Aldi.

Constipation and an anal abscess.

This is the price you pay for experimenting with the produce of an orchard and an allotment.

Let me get this straight?

Slap has just admitted to being fisted by two blokes?

Jeeze. This board is so turning into gay city.

Originally Posted by somtamslap

half a pot of paracetemal

ahem,

Required Items:
Paracetamol/Ibuprofen and Codeine tablets (Co-Codamol/Solpadeine) - OTC from Boots - Work out dose for yourself based on online info
2 Mugs/Glasses
A freezer
2 Coffee Filters
A mortar and pestle (a piece of thick paper and a rolling pin works just as well)
and about 15 to 20 minutes of your time

1. Grind the amount of tablets you want with a mortar and pestle so they are almost a VERY fine powder, with a few chunks in there wont hurt.

2. use about 30-50ml of standard cold tap water in a glass (use more of less dependant on the size of your filters)

3. Stir until you have a thick and milky solution

4. Place in the freezer for around 10 minutes, preferably wedged inbetween some frozen vegetables or an ice pack..

5. Prepare the two WET coffee filters on over the other in another glass/mug

6. Take the solution out of the freezer, you should note the change in the solution, there should be a THIN top layer, and a very THICK bottom layer.

7. pour the solution into your coffee filters.

8. Either allow to sit and drain or close the top of the coffee filters firmly with your hand (ensure there is a bit of space between the top and the liquid) and squeeze gently from the top to the bottom noting the CLEAR solution that should come from the bottom of the bottom layer coffee filter pretty quickly (rather than dripping) and tighten your grip on the filters as you continue til its basically like having a wet scrunched up tissue in your hand...

9. Check the clarity of the solution, check the amount of solids left in the scrunched up filter (should be a fair whack... probably some in the glass too)

10. Drink and enjoy.

(Lifted from another, non-expat, forum)

codeine is one of the best constipators known to man, if he is taking codeine and has an anal abscess then constipation would be the last thing he needs, all that straining and heaving to expel a gnarled concrete like turtle head out of his already tortured anus will only result in pain, blood, splitting and tearing and another visit to A&E from

loose bulky stoolage that exits the anus like an otter sliding down the bank of a stream has to be the order of the day, and what he needs is prunes, and lots of them, ( Aldi do a nice line in Californian prunes, 87p for a 500gm pack) and paracetamol for the pain.

Should be back in the saddle again within 6 months no problem.

Aren't enemas still easily available, or are they solely confined to specialist Japanese web sites these days?

Hate to hear of a fellow members plight, hope this helps..

DIY Enemas

Instructions

1

Purchase a reusable, 2-quart enema bag from a pharmacy. Find one that comes with a clamp, hose and anal insertion nozzle.

2

Fill the enema bag. Attach the hose, clamp and nozzle to the enema bag according to the manufacturer's instructions. Then fill the enema bag with your fluid of choice. However, for your first enema, I recommend sticking with water. Turn on the hot tap until the water is as hot as possible, then fill the enema bag. Next, measure the temperature of the water in the bag with your thermometer. You want the water's temperature to be between 36.7 and 40 degrees Celsius. If it is any colder or hotter, it may cause excessive cramping in your colon. If your tap does not produce water at the appropriate temperature, you may need to boil the water first.

DIY Enemas | eHow UK



This is the problem after living in Thailand and using the bum guns on a regular bases.

If your desperate over the weekend you could always unscrew the shower head and have a quick blast .

Originally Posted by somtamslap

Let's hear it for the NHS!

You know what they say...abscess makes the fart go honda.

Originally Posted by Paddy Whackery

abscess makes the fart go honda.

Yes, something like that...

A mate of mine got an arse abscess on his rim that went nuclear resulting in major surgery, I had no idea that you could die from them, anyways now his arse is so chopped up and ragged that he has to shower off the shite after he takes a crap. True storey.

Originally Posted by somtamslap

I remain totally baffled about how primitive the English are in the arse-cleansing department. There's a definite market for the bum hose here.

And yet it used to be a national obsession. It is no coincidence that the decline of Empire went hand-in-hand with a decline in colonic rectitude. Gone are the days when an Englishman would travel nowhere without his Thunderbox, a Magneto-Electrical Vitaliser, and a length of serviceable rubber hose.

Originally Posted by Chittychangchang

If your desperate over the weekend you could always unscrew the shower head and have a quick blast

Somslap and Withnail are close friends.

''With friends like those who needs enemas?''

...
10. Drink and enjoy.
(Lifted from another, non-expat, forum)

Are you sure that isn't a recipe from the Exit With Dignity crowd? It sounds potentially fatal.

I'd forgotten how good The Green Wing was.

Originally Posted by Simon43

...
10. Drink and enjoy.
(Lifted from another, non-expat, forum)

Are you sure that isn't a recipe from the Exit With Dignity crowd? It sounds potentially fatal.

.. not to mention f*cking your liver good and proper.

Most people who try to suicide on paracetamol have a long, slow and painful deeath from liver failure.

the dose required to f*ck your liver good and proper is surprisingly low, in the 20 - 30 tablets range (I would need to do more calcs to get a proper answer as the medical toxicology stuff in in mgs/kg body weight, so would need to work it out properly).

Originally Posted by Stinky

A mate of mine got an arse abscess on his rim that went nuclear resulting in major surgery, I had no idea that you could die from them, anyways now his arse is so chopped up and ragged that he has to shower off the shite after he takes a crap. True storey.

Jesus, that sounds down right nasty.

Could be worse though.

My mate is now shitting into a bag. They stitched his arsehole up after he contracted Bowel cancer in January.

Suppose that's better than having to shower after every shit ?

Dunno though, what do ya reckon. ?

Sorry to hear Slap regards the shooter, hope you have some one looking it-to it!

That'll teach you for taking the saddle of your bike.

I had anal fissures in '87, bloody agony every time you had a crap and after. Had to go into hospital where I expected them to sew them up, but what they do is stretch your a hole, thankfully under the anesthetic. Still did not clear up for a while after that. They said I'd get them again but never have.

Phaaaark, I wish I hadnt read that.