A woman buys a wall mirror from Bunnings. The Manager asks 'would you like a
screw for that mirror?'. "No," she said 'but I'll suck your c*ck for a lawn
mower'.

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next
tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open,
it's not necessarily an invitation to casual s*x...........Wish me luck in court
next Monday.

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said 'Sorry about
the wait'. I replied 'Don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventual


Marriage counsellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce. 'Tell me
something both of you have in common'. Husband after a long awkward silence 'Well
neither of us sucks c*ck'.



Snow! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to
myself 'She'll be f*cking lucky with a face like that!'


Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But
since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a
treat!



The local mosque is having a bonfire tonight but keep it a secret .... they
don't know about it yet!



My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and
a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while
having a wank.


SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS: It has been announced that next year's shirt
sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax. A spokesman for
Tampax said "To sponsor a c*nt going through a bad period is exactly what
our company is all about."

When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it
would offend my Muslim neighbours. So just to be on the safe side I painted 'Allah
is a c*nt' on my garage door.

5000 men surveyed were asked why they like bl*wjobs: 1% liked the warmth 2%
liked the sensation 3% liked the eroticism & 94% just
liked the peace and quiet