Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by Bingo wings

There are some real groaners in this thread, lads.

i dedicate this joke to you bingo --


what did the frog order at Mcdonalds ?

French fries and diet croak

SCOTCH?

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?. "No," said the little boy..............


"It's a puppy!"

A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..

What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?


Run like fuck he's got a hand grenade in his mouth!

Can you spare just $5.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia .
He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to
school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes
and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $5.00, we will send you the video
- its hilarious.

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
.................................................. .................................................. ....

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in
cells. It appears that Aboriginals and their cousins is not the correct
answer.

George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh,
She's Eleven."
.................................................. .................................................. ..........
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they
drive slowly past schools.
.................................................. .................................................. ..........
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her
twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got
a moustache."

Wife had right tantrum the other night; she said I was too kinky in bed...

I nearly spat her piss out when she told me

Guy walks into a library and says to the librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, I wants a book on suicide.'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fcuk off, you won't bring it back!'

Q: What's yellow and goes "cheep, cheep"?
A: A Chinese prostitute

Couple on honeymoon, in hotel room undressin. Groom removes socks, bride asks wots wrong wi ur feet-ur toes look all mangled? I had TOLIO as child. U mean polio? No TOLIO, the disease only affected my toes. Groom removes trousers &bride asks wots wrong wi ur knees, they're lumpy&deformed? I had KNEASLES. U mean measles? No KNEASLES- an illness that only affected my knees. Groom removes his boxers...dont tell me, she said - SMALLCOX?

Husband and wife watching telly husband starts flicking channels football then porn footie porn footie porn wife says leave it on porn u know how to play football.

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said "you've got the biggest cock I've ever laid my hands on!"
I said "You're pulling my leg"

teacher holding a lesson on saftey first,little jenny gotup and said look right look left and right again before you cross the road,thats good replaid the teacher.then billy said look before you leap,not bad then dai from splot in cardiff said,pox is bad,crabs are worse,toss yourself off saftey first.

osama-bin laden got caught sheep shaging in wales when questioned he replied they where is-lams.

I've just been to Sainsbury's and this bloke started flinging milk, cheese and butter at me.

How Dairy!

i just won £10 million on the lottery
my friends asked me -- what are you going to do about all those begging letters ?
i replied -- , i'll keep sending then

Man said to wife "Alright you sexy thing, bedroom now."


She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you kinky bastard."


He said, "No, seriously, the footy’s about to start, fuck off!”

Tim Sheens, Brian Smith and Wayne Bennett all die in acar crash.


They get to Heaven & St Peter says,

"God wants to ask you a question and, if he likes you, you can sit with him to watch the grand final".


God to Sheens..."what do you believe in?"


"I believe in looking after the players well-being on and off the field"


God says “that’s good, you can sit on my left.”


God to Smith “what do you believe in”


“I believe in courage, honour and you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it.”


God says “that’s good, you can sit on my right...”


God to Bennett. . . “what do you believe in...”


“I believe you're sitting in my chair !”

The little zoo was very proud of it's pair of Gnus. They were named George and Mildred. Some months after acquiring them it became increasingly obvious that a happy event was to take place and sure enough onefine morning the keeper of the ungulates came in to find a little Gnu at Mildred's feet - or should that be hooves? The calf was named Robin. All was well until one day the keeper noticed that George was off his fodder. Despite their best efforts and those of the vet George turned up his hooves and died. Still, at least they still had Mildred and Robin. The little family thrived but, Mildred began to look a little listless, a little dull in the eyes. Once again the vet was summoned, once again the staff watched, agonizingly as Mildred eventually succumbed to a mysterious desease and she too curled up her hooves and became lion grub. The ungulate collection now relied incresingly on hitherto lively little Robin. who had developed a dry bronchial cough. Sure enough, as if the fates themselves had taken against the little zoo and it's dedicated staff little Robin passed on and went the way of his parents. Aaaaaah!
Well that's the end of the Gnus, here's the weather...............

^ mate wtf that made me groan.

A gay man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his arse - doctors describe his condition as stable.

What do you call an Islamic extremist that spends the season clubing in Ibiza.


All summer been largin.