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The Revenue sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!!
Yes I still have to complete a UK tax return!
I guess it was because of my response to the question : "List all
dependents?"
I replied -
5 million illegal immigrants
3 million unemployable scroungers
500,000 thousand low life in prisons
Half Pakistan and Somalia
and
650 Cretins in the house of Commons
*Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer*
I bought my epileptic mate a strobe light for Christmas. He's going to have a fucking fit when he sees it!
I opened my front door this morning to find my neighbour Abdul lying face down in the snow with a kitchen knife stuck in his back. I ran back in the house and shouted to my wife: "Quick come and see whats happened!" "What is it?" She asked I replied "You'll not believe this, it's been foking snowing!"
^:smileylaughing:. Brilliant. Tried to green ya - gotta spread it etc etc . Put it on my to-do list.
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"
Q.. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S.. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking likemad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue."Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery..Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked
if I had any old clothing. I said Yes but what would I get in return.
She said I could play with her breasts.
I thought...That's Fair....Tit for Tat.
Just said to the missus..."Hey fat gut..what do you want
for Valentines Day"
She said "Don't get fucking lippy"
I said "Mascara it is then!"
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!.
I panicked. I didn't know what to do.....................Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
News just in....There's a female ref for the United v City match. The
kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.
Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor,
says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He's still wondering how to pick it up!
A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,
you have “Yellow 24”, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually
only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments
on earth.’
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's
never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and
wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a
line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.’
'Fuck me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!
Dear Santa,
I write you to let you know I've been naughty...
And it was worth it.
You fat judgmental bastard
Dear Alcool,
We had a deal were you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer !
I saw the video...
We need to talk.
woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
I was taking a shit in the toilet on the train today when somebody knocked on the door.
He said "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now" I shouted "I'm taking a shit!"
He said "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem" I said sliding it under "The yellow bits are sweet corn".
I was in the supermarket with my wife, she said your a lazy bastard,I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Took the Mrs out for dinner down the pub last night, it was all going well until a few people started calling me a peado.
OK so I'm 54 and the Mrs is only 23 but for fucks sake that's well out of order.
Put a right downer on out tenth anniversary I tell you!
Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, "I can't be bothered to walk all the way home. As you know, we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home."
"We could steal a bus from the depot," replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, "What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?"
"I can't find a No. 91"
"Oh Jaysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the Roundabout."
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Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador".
"Really ? " says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind ?"
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I've just met a woman that cleans her minge with bleach............Flash cnut
An old man says to his wife "Would you like a snack?".
"Yes", she says, "I want some strawberries. Will you remember that?".
"Of course", he replies, "I'm not senile".
"And I want some whipped cream with them. Can you remember that?".
"Yes, Strawberries and whipped cream".
"And sprinkle some chocolate on it. I bet you forget".
"Oh for god's sake woman, Strawberries, Whipped cream and chocolate on top. I'll remember damn it!" he snaps.
He goes into the kitchen and half an hour later he comes out with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The woman says "Where's my toast?".
There is a tv show in the uk called "Queer eye for a straight guy", Its where a few gay guys go clothes shopping with a straight guy and sort his wardrobe out for him.
I tried it and they didn't help me on the fashion front....They all fucked me.
What's black, hairy and smells of B.O.?
Michelle Obama's fanny !
Polish immigrant goes to Specsavers for an eye test.
Optician shows the test card with C Z W J X N Y S A C Z and asks him "can you read that"?
The Pole says, read it? I know the cnut.
The Pope and Julia Gillard are on a stage at the MCG in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Julia and says "do you know with one wave of my hand I can make this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice". Gillard replies "I seriously doubt that you can do that with just one wave of your hand. Show me". So the Pope backhands the Bitch!
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand
Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!
> Fire authorities in California found a
corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage
done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet
suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
> A post-mortem test revealed that the
man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental
records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set
about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of
a forest fire.
> It was revealed that on the day of the
fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the
forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as
possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip
buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of
the forest fire.
> You guessed it. One minute our diver
was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the
breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
> Some days, it just doesn't pay to get
out of bed
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewlery store we went into
5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.
His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewelry store.
He said, well I'm in the bar next to it.
^^ think you're having a bad day...
You're a Siamese twin, your brother is gay and you only have one arsehole. :crying: