Well here I am, sitting on the pavement with my pork pies, sandwiches, & beer Flying my union jack flag, cheering at the top of my voice with British pride as the procession goes past . . . . . Fucking love Paki funerals
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Well here I am, sitting on the pavement with my pork pies, sandwiches, & beer Flying my union jack flag, cheering at the top of my voice with British pride as the procession goes past . . . . . Fucking love Paki funerals
Two girls, Sue and Carol were talking and complaining about having a sore throat.
Sue said "when I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job and swallow and the next day its better, you should try it."
Next day Sue sees Carol "How did it go then mate?"
"Brilliant" says Carol, "your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!
The Queens corgis are delighted Prince Phillip is back at the palace.
They won't get blamed for pissing on the sofa any more.
Did you hear the one about the school mum who was driving her young boy to school, when a removal lorry suddenly done an emergency stop in front of her, she slammed on her brakes and box fell from the back of the lorry, and from the box a dildo fell out and hit the windscreen of her car. With her boy in the back she thought quickly and said that was a big insect that hit the screen. The boy said im suprised it could fly with a cock that big.
Seems Germany has asked for Euro bail out.... apparently they've been presented in Poland with some sort of gas bill they fucked off without paying years ago.
Paddy goes into Pizza Hut and orders a 12 inch pizza. After it arrives, the girl behind the counter asks Paddy if he would like it cut into four or eight slices. Paddy replies, four please, I couldn’t eat eight slices.
The Parking cop's funeral
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking cop,s funeral a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, the paperwork's already done"
SAME SEX MARRIAGE
Norman and Barry got married in California.
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Norman's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?' She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.'
Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?
A: So they know where to stop shaving.
I walked into my house to find that my wife had gone an a note was nailed to the wall. "We have your wife. If you want to see her alive we want £500K. Do not contact the Police. We are very determined. Await a phone call." They weren't fucking joking about being determined. I've had 36 missed calls from them now !
I was at the pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed though.
He blew his whistle so fucking loud I nearly fell in.
Spain completed 800 passes against the Republic of Ireland. The only way England could top that would be to enter Wayne Rooney in Mastermind
Love that :rofl:Quote:
Originally Posted by daveboy
Pastor John Flapps sees a lady church member gettin drunk in a pub. He tries to take her home but they fall & he ends up on top of her. Landlord shouts "Oi mate u can't do that in ere!" Rev replies "U don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps". Landlord says "Oh well, if yr that far in u may as well finish!
Lost my job as a bingo caller last night. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is an unacceptable way to describe the number 69.
I've already told that one, you theiving shit! Koojo threatened to green me for it.Quote:
Originally Posted by daveboy
https://teakdoor.com/jokes-and-funny-...-jokes-35.html
How many times!
A Chinese man enters a bar to find a Black bartender. He says, "Hey
nigger, give me a jigger."
The Bartender responds, "That's terrible! How would you like it if I
said something like that to you? In fact, let's just switch places. You get
behind the bar and I'll come in as a customer."
The Chinese man agrees and gets behind the bar. The Black man goes outside.
Upon reentering, he says, "Hey Chink, give me a drink."
To which the Chinese man answers, "Sorry, we don't serve niggers
here."
A little old lady spots Rolf Harris in Tesco's, so she taps him on the should and asks '"Are you that bloke that did 'Two Little Boys' back in the 70's"?
"No", he says, "That was Gary Glitter".
An Indian man was arrested for beating his wife up today, Chinda Gudunproppa said he is innocent!
I don't blame Ashley Young for missing his penalty. It must have been confusing for him, taking a spot kick without diving first.
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician."
I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be so old-fashioned," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.
Did you here about the Indian mechanic?Quote:
Originally Posted by daveboy
Pindun Dajeep
Paddy and Mick are having an arguement, and Mick says, ''You are a [at][at][at][at]! You've always been a [at][at][at][at] and you always will be a [at][at][at][at]. Everything about you makes you a [at][at][at][at], an utter [at][at][at][at] and complete [at][at][at][at]. In fact, if you entered a [at][at][at][at] competition you'd come 2nd for sure!'' Paddy says, "Why wouldn't I win?'' Mick replies, "Because you're a [at][at][at][at]!
I used to hate having to go to weddings when I was younger. All my relatives and friends would prod me and shout "You next. You next!" and burst out laughing. But I am getting my own back now. I prod them at funerals and shout "You next. You next!" - but it's only me who bursts out laughing.
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
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News flashes:
1. Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
Just driving by Barlinnie prison and saw a knotted sheet with a dwarf climbing out of one of the windows. My mate. Said "look at that midget",I said thats a little con descending.
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka.
"We don't serve string here," the bartender said.
So the string left, walked around the block, and back into the bar where he ordered a shot of whiskey.
"I told you, we don't serve string here," the bartender repeated.
The string went outside, tousled up his hair and tied himself in half.
He went back into the bar and ordered a beer.
The bartender looked at the string and said, "Hey, aren't you that string that's been trying to order a drink all afternoon?"
"I'm a frayed knot," the string replied.