Quick Jokes

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
doesn't rhyme but I don't give a shit.

The postman left me a card to let me know my package was too large,that was nice of him.

My wife said,"We have to fight to make this marriage work."
It wasn't much of a fight,she went down after one punch.

I sought advice from a numerologist, but nothing she said added up.

Two old girls meet up at a coffee shop Mary says to Ethel "hey Ethel did you come on the bus?" Ethel says "yeah but i made it look like an asthma attack"

Did you hear about the man who died drinking furniture polish?
He had a horrible death,but a beautiful finish.

I saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'.
Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

Be on your guard just had a warning from the police about keys. We are being warned about 4 keys that can open 87% of cars and 99% of houses. This is not a joke, the keys you need to be aware of are Dar-keys, Pak-keys, Pie-keys and Jun-keys.

Little lad asks his mum...
''Mummy, how come I'm dark and your white?'' ...
''Don't even go there sweetheart, from what I can remember about that party, your lucky you don't bark!

I said to my dyslexic mate, "Guess which band has split up?"
He said, "Erm..."

I got punched in the face by a beetle today.
Must be that nasty bug that's going round.

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread earlier, but on second glance it said thick cut.

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.
That's me in the korma.

Cheers TizMe, good ones as usual. ;)

An old retired and crusty looking USAF Master Sergeant is being interviewed by a local TV reporter in Sacramento, CA.
The reporter inquires why the old Sgt always looks so serious and never smiles. She then suggests and asks:
"When was the last time you had any sex?"
The Sgt in return replied "1955"
The reporter was totally astonished and replied: "Oh my God - 1955 - That's a long time ago"
When the old Sgt answered: "What do you mean - It's only 2145 right now?
Cheers,
Amina :)

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

I suck at jokes, I always punch up the fuck line.

So sex between 3 people is called a "Threesome"
And sex between 2 people is called a "Twosome"

Just dawned on me why they call you Handsome..!!!

"We don't allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here," says the barman.

A neutrino walks into a bar"

Bloke comes home from the doctors and tells wife he's been told that his dick is worn out and he has only got 10 shags left.

"That's awful" she said " We'll have to draw up an itinerary and make every one special" he says "Ive already done that, and your name is not on it".

:chitown:

My doctor asked me if I drank to excess.
I told him I would drink to anything.

I was talking to this bloke in the pub the other night. Confident, he challenged me to a game of pool. "If you beat me" he said, "I'll let you shag either my wife, or my daughter, your choice".

"Fuck off, dad" I said. "Can't we just play for a beer?"

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one evening.
"Son, where were you today?"
Son says " at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"OK, I watched a dvd at my mates!"
"What dvd?" asks the dad.
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!"
"OK, it was a porno film." cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what a porno film was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps The mum!

Man in Bar orders Champagne. Lady next to him says "What a Coincidence. I've ordered Champagne too!""I'm celebrating"Says the man "Wot a Coincidence me too!"Replied the Lady "Wot are you celebrating?"Asks the Man. Lady replies "Hubby & I have tried for years for a baby. Today I'm pregnant!""What a coincidence. I'm a Farmer. For years my Hens were infertile. Today they all laid Eggs!"Says the man"Wow! How did that happen?"Asks the Lady"I used a different Cock."Replied the man. The lady winked and with a smile said "What a coincidence!!!!!!!!!"

I walked past a mental home today and could hear them all shouting.,
13... 13... 13... 13... 13...
I wanted to know what was going on.??
So i looked through a hole in the fence..,
Some TWAT poked me in the eye and they all shouted.,
14... 14... 14... 14...!!!

I got a new set of wiper blades on my car. I think they might be too big because they hang over the edges a little, but I don't care, they work great and I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that I actually like to watch working.

Call me crazy, but lately I have been driving around non-stop with them turned on. I've even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a ride with me so he could watch them work.

They were outrageously expensive but safety is my main concern, they work great.

Impressive design, elegant hardware, although I have some reservations about the washer option!!


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.https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

Business was bad.The boss had to dismiss one of his employees.It came down to Jack or Jill.He called Jill into his office and said,"Jill,I have to either lay you or Jack off."
"You're going to have to jack off then,'cause I've got my periods." Jill responded.


The 767 had just landed and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A.system.
"As soon as I clock off," he said, "I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the ass off that blonde flight attendant."
The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over a suitcase in the aisle. A little old lady sitting in an aisle seat whispered,"There's no need to hurry dear, he said he was going to have a beer first."


I met this smokin' hot Arabic chick the other night. I fucked the Shi'ite out of her.


The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,
"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."

I passed out drunk at a friends house last night, only to awaken this morning to find out some [at][at][at][at] had drawn a forehead on my penis.
I suspect my dyslexic mate.

Local MP is visiting a nursing home. He asks a 93 year old lady,"Have you been bed ridden since you got here?" she replies "A couple of times, but I prefer it from behind over my walking frame....."

I took my son out for his first drink today.
I got him a Chang but he didn't like it so I had it. Then I tried Carlsberg - no joy, so I drank that too.
Same with Singha and Leo. I was doubling up on everything but he was happy to just drink juice.
By the time we got to Jack Daniels I was too pissed to push his pram.

Job interviewer asked the man.."and your name is..?" man replies "it's John FuckingBastardTwat Smith" "oh" says the interviewer.."do you suffer from Tourettes Syndrome John?"..."no" says John "but the vicar at my christening did...."

Dear Deirdrie,
My boyfriend always gets frustrated at "that time of the month" because we cant have sex. What could I do to stop him getting mad at me?
Victoria

Dear Victoria,
Change its name from "that time of the month" to "blow job week", he wont be mad for long
Deirdrie

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out, take my tv, stereo & phone, and sell my car. Take my key, kick me out and cut me out of your will. Well she didn't actually put it like that. She said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."